


Save Me From Myself

by Karfraegh18



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Canon, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-03
Updated: 2010-05-02
Packaged: 2018-09-03 04:12:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 33,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8696125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Karfraegh18/pseuds/Karfraegh18
Summary: The writer's strike looms, the future of Supernatural is looking bad and Jared starts to lose his way, the JaredSandy relationship is both a strength and a casualty in Jared's battle to stay sane.  Filming and burying himself in Sam is way too easy and far too dangerous.  Can Jensen intervene? Help Jared?  Rescue him from his demons?A/N: *I wrote this about two years ago, it was one of my first stories and hence the punctuation is *not correct in all places* please ignore... Someone requested this as a PDF and I thought some of you may enjoy... HUGS XX





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).

It was Tom that noticed first. Which was kind of weird considering it was Jensen that spent more time with Jared than anyone else. Tom pointed out that Jared was quieter than normal and seemed a little but low and did Jensen know what was going on? Jensen shrugged, set was generally subdued at the moment, and they were all feeling it from Producers and Directors to PA’s and Actors, so he supposed that was what it was.

 

October had turned up with the writer’s strike looming, no settlement agreed and a 5th November cut off. They were desperately trying to get the Christmas themed episode finished and they still had some pick-ups on Fresh blood. The days were long, the night shoots interminable, there was zero downtime and seriously everyone was so damn close to cracking. 

 

So when they had met up with the Smallville guys on a cold Sunday afternoon just to shoot the breeze and Tom brought it up? Well Jensen just explained how the set felt and how Jared was probably feeling the strain. The two of them filed it away under strange things that happen around Jared and went back to drinking beer, giving it very little thought.

 

In fact there was far more on Jensen’s mind than Jared and the exhaustion that was flooding the set at the moment. 

 

Rumours on and off set were that of any of the CW shows it was Supernatural that was the most vulnerable, especially with the writers strike. Focusing on Dean’s deal could backfire for the whole show, leaving CW management to point fingers at loose plotlines and budget overspends. As one of the two leads Jensen felt kind of responsible for the show and he knew Jared felt the same way. If the CW needed an excuse to cancel Supernatural then surely the strike was the obvious time for the axe to fall. 

 

Eric had taken to running around with his cell phone permanently at his ear and began locking himself away in his office for long periods of time. The set felt his absence, his dynamic presence missing and it was left to others to drive the shoots forward. He remained upbeat with the crew but was a little more honest with his two leads, a bit more honest than perhaps Jensen would have liked. They had started some shooting on the season’s next episode but taking him and Jared to one side Eric had explained he felt it was unlikely to go to season 4 and they should start getting in the headspace of wrapping things up on Season 3. 

 

He also added that A very supernatural Christmas may be the last episode of a very short season 3, if the writers strike ended up like the one in 1988, which lingered for nearly five months. Jensen had taken it in his stride, he was gutted that he may not be able to take Dean further, devastated actually, but at the end of the day he would do the job, do it well, and then find something else. 

 

Jared on the other hand, the proud owner of a new house with associated mortgage, just went slightly pale, mumbled something incoherent, made his excuses and left.

 

Eric and Jensen had exchanged concerned looks

 

”I’ll talk to him” Jensen suggested. Eric looked relieved

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

When the writer’s strike started it was somewhat of a relief for Jensen. All the waiting around, watching for news, praying for resolution, was starting to wear him down.

 

“I think we need to celebrate wrapping” Jared suggested on the last day as they sat in Jensen’s trailer, Jared slumped on the sofa still in Sam’s clothes, Jensen standing in front of him.

 

“And what do you have in mind?” Jensen asked lazily, stripping off his Dean wardrobe for what might be the last time

 

”Beers? Playstation? Chinese?” Jared threw out the three favourite activities for JaredJensen down time

 

“You’re on”

 

“Cool.” Jared stretched, wincing at new bruises from some of the stunts they had had over the past few days, he knew he had to get out of Sam’s clothes and Sam’s headspace. It had been an emotional episode, a last Christmas with Dean, heartfelt emotion, only heightened by a possible permanent split from Jensen, if the season ended and Supernatural finished. He stood, pulling at the shirt, the layers that Sam favoured, grimacing as he used muscles that were damn sore.

 

”Do you realise that this could be the last time we wear this stuff?” Jensen considered quietly, carefully placing Dean’s shirt and T on a chair and then sitting down to unlace boots.

 

“I can’t think about it” Jared said if I don’t think about it, then it won’t happen

 

“We have to face facts, I mean … I don’t have anything else lined up, do you?”

 

“Like I said, I’m not even thinking that way”

 

“Probably the safest thing to do, think positive, I mean we have loads going for us”

 

Jared didn’t say a word, just nodded and carried on changing. He had a full spare set of clothes in Jensen’s trailer. It was where they always seemed to end up, mostly because it was Jensen who had all the cool gadgets that Jared inevitably broke.

 

They finished up, knowing they would both shower back at Jared’s. Jared waited outside on the step as Jensen cast one last look around his empty trailer, gathered up a few bits and locked the door behind him. It had been alternating between cool and breezy to drizzly and rainy all day. Same old, same old. But at least this evening it was clear and fresh, if still bloody cold, there was only so much rain two Texas boys could handle.

 

They hustled to the waiting driver, two of the last people to leave set, waving to a few tech guys but mostly just putting the day behind them. All the real goodbyes had been said on the last pick-up and even that hadn’t been the whole crew. The saddest part was the set was shutting it down; there didn’t really seem much hope for resolution with the strike until after Christmas and the budget wasn’t there to support everyone. 

 

Jensen and Jared were friends with everyone and it made for an uncomfortable feeling knowing the lighting guy was out of work now as well as two of the electricians. Most of the people on the set were used to the vagaries of episodic TV dramas, hiatus was welcomed by cast and crew as a break, as down time, it was just the uncertainty surrounding this enforced hiatus that meant people just couldn’t be retained.

 

Even their driver had now lost the lucrative contract to do the SPN runs. Although given that he alternated between having a couple of lunatics in his car or a couple of zombies Jensen didn’t envy the man a change of pace.

 

“Where too?” He had mostly given up just taking them to their respective homes, as inevitably they ended up at one another’s places.

 

“Mine” Jared yawned “Dog sitter left a coupla hours ago and I need to get home”

 

”Thanks man” Jensen added, eyeing his exhausted friend with a full on Jensen frown. “Jay? You sure you wanna do this dude? I can go home?” Jared turned to him, a wide grin on his face

 

“Nah man, we need to mark the day!” He said, enthusiastically, ruining the effect by yawning again.

 

“OK”

 

“And no work tomorrow so you can totally stay over and cook me breakfast” Jensen threw an empty coffee cup at Jared’s head “The hair dude, watch the hair”

 

“They put so much product in your girly hair that nothing can reach it” Jensen smirked

 

“Says you, hedgehog head”

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

When they arrived at Jared’s they were met by two very anxious dogs; alternating between whining, snuffling and licking. Jared was down on the floor and it only took seconds for Jensen to follow. Jensen considered himself an honorary uncle, and Jared swore blind that some days they preferred Jensen to their own dad! They danced around Jared’s long legs as he rose and opened the back door to the tidy yard, woofing and nipping and tumbling out of the door into the darkness of the Vancouver sky.

 

Jared stood for a while, watching his kids, breathing in the cold air, lost in the feelings of warmth and security he feels whenever he is in his new house. If Supernatural ended now, it wasn’t as if he would lose the house. He hadn’t been stupid with his money. From Gilmore Girls, the films and now Supernatural, adding in endorsements and the room 401 stuff, he was doing OK.

 

Jensen moved up behind him, looking around him to see what Harley and Sadie were up to, handing Jared a beer “They OK?”

 

“Yeah cool” Jared shivered slightly and closed the door; the dogs would be more than happy out there for a while. It wasn’t like he had any neighbours within hearing distance, to be annoyed if his babies spotted a squirrel and started with the barking.

 

Taking a healthy swallow of beer Jared picked up the menu for the takeaway. He didn’t bother asking Jensen what he wanted, he knew, he would probably know forever that Jensen was more of a spicy than sweet kind of guy. 

 

A sudden feeling of loss settled in him and he had to try really hard not to give in to it, breathing deep and steeling himself to go into where Jensen was sitting. At the same time as worrying he would lose it if Jensen said I’ll miss you, he also worried that Jensen would never even think to say I miss you at all.

 

Their friendship was so close, so tight, almost like brothers, he would die if Jensen didn’t feel as bereft as he felt when he thought of months, maybe years without seeing each other. Losing Jensen to another state, another series, another film, it was just impossible to consider.

 

God the thought of not speaking to Jensen every day seemed to feel raw, more unsettling than not seeing Sandy. And what about that twisted way of looking at things was right? 

 

Jensen had kicked back on the couch, his long legs up on the coffee table his hands behind his head and he had, to put it simply, fallen asleep, huffing gently as he breathed in and out. Jared smiled, Jensen was the king of power naps during the day, twenty minutes between scenes and he would come back to mark as fresh as a daisy, it never failed to amaze him.

 

Phoning through the order he slumped in the chair opposite Jensen, watching him breathe, thoughts tumbling through his head at great speed.

 

He talked so fast sometimes, with so much passion, that people would stand in awe, unable to get a word in edgeways. This was how he dealt with the peaks and troughs of the emotions inside him, the mess and tumble of his thoughts on life, his opinions, they just spewed out of him like his head couldn’t contain them. But recently? Recently he just couldn’t form words the same way, the fears and concerns in his head too twisted together to make sense, and he dealt with it the only way he could, holding everything in. He was too damn tired to actually open the lid and draw out emotions to be flayed and displayed and discussed to death. He felt sadness a lot of the time and it just wasn’t him. He knew that.

 

Watching Jensen sleep, watching the rise and fall of his chest, the lashes that fluttered on his friends freckled face, long lashes, girly lashes, that only made it worse. Jared told Jensen everything. In fact Jensen often snorted too much information dude after Jared had spent time with Sandy, which never failed to reduce them both to giggling fits.

 

He just couldn’t begin to tell Jensen what was in his head when he couldn’t even make sense of it himself. So he was hiding, hiding inside his own head and pretending everything else was good, focusing on his relationship with Sandy, making plans with her, putting other feelings that were getting stronger by the day to one side.

 

“Jay? Jay you OK?” Jensen had woken to find Jared unfocused, but staring in his direction. Jared shook his head and laughed

 

“Was miles away man, miles away”

 

“You’re not Samming on me emo boy?”

 

“Nah, just really really fucking tired”

 

“D’you order”

 

“Yeah”

 

”The usual”

 

”Of course”

 

The usual is good. The usual is expected and is safe. 

 

Jared could be here, quiet, with his best friend at his side and pretend everything was alright just for a while longer.


	2. Chapter 2

Both sides in the writers strike agreed to post thanksgiving talks but Jared hadn’t kept himself completely out of the loop and he knew, just as much as the next man, that with Christmas so close resolution was unlikely.

 

It was his family’s favourite topic of conversation, he was amazed at how many different ways the strike could appear in any given exchange.

 

“Pass the potatoes, so what will the catering staff do during the strike”

 

”Do you want to watch the game, it’s a shame we have the strike to blame for you actually getting a break to come and watch the game with us”

 

And so it went on. 

 

No I don’t think it will be resolved

 

No I don’t think the set is being pulled down

 

Fresh Blood had just been aired, why couldn’t people focus on that? Of course after airing Jared had received the usual calls; the first from his mother who praised her son and Jensen; the second from Sandy who spent five minutes dissecting the episode, filling the time nicely so Jared didn’t have to say a word. 

 

He received texts from Megan and Jeff who both thought it was one of the best episodes so far, both wanting to know whether the barbed wire hurt, Megan concerned, Jeff with a smiley face text. 

 

Jared knew that he had plenty to be proud about, the season had shaped up nicely so far, and he just wished people would focus on that instead of the strike and Jared’s possible future unemployment.

 

Even Sandy was in on it, sitting next to him at the table, hand on his knee. She was chatting away to his mom and Jensen’s mom, something about the scripts Jared and Jensen were constantly sent and how a couple of them were for new pilots. Jensen’s mom agreed that it was unlikely either Jared or Jensen would be out of work for long. He wished Sandy would stop, stop talking and stop massaging his leg, both things were just winding him up.

 

Jensen was sat opposite him, shoveling turkey like no tomorrow, laughing over something his dad had said, praising Jared’s mum for the hard work she had done and saying how pleased he was both families could join together for Thanksgiving. He reassured everyone that Danny was well, but yes, she was very busy doing promotional work for her new series, and apologised that she couldn’t make it. When he said this he looked direct at Jared, it was only Jared at this table that knew the full reasons why Danneel wasn’t here, why she would never be at any family gathering, and that secret he shared warmed him for a few minutes, enough to give Jensen a real smile, not the fake smiles he was giving everyone else.

 

Jensen quirked a brow, more Dean than Jensen for a brief moment, a spark of mischief in his eyes, and Jared clutched at Sandy’s hand for something to anchor him to the here and now as he felt himself sucked into Jensen’s green eyes. She leaned into him concerned.

 

”You okay babe?” she whispered, dropping a quick kiss on his shoulder. Jared looked down at the beautiful girl he was lucky to call his girlfriend and gave her a small nod. He needed to snap out of this funk and actually enjoy the time he had here ... but not right now. 

 

Because right now, he needed air, he needed space and he needed to get away from strikes and crap. 

 

“I’m gonna go check on the dogs” he said softly to Sandy and excused himself to the rest of the table, walking straight out to the garden to stand in the open air under the Texan sky. Home.

 

Jensen frowned as Jared left, he looked at Sandy puzzled, she caught his gaze and just shrugged, before turned back to the mom’s who had moved on to discussing Christmas.

 

Since his brief chat with Tom he had been watching Jared. Not obviously watching him, not like a stalker, but gauging his mood as much as he could. 

 

Replies to texts that Jensen sent Jared took longer than usual to come back to him, emails went unanswered for days at a time, and he never IM’d any more. Jensen was worried. He thought of all the reasons why Jared would be low, the season, the strike, money, but none of these reasons meant shutting Jensen out as completely as he was doing. 

 

Feelings of guilt curled in Jensen’s stomach, maybe he should never have told Jared, maybe he should have stayed quiet, maybe it was his fault Jared was so quiet?

 

“Imma gonna go with” he announced to all in general, a smile on his face, and followed where Jared had gone.

 

He found him sitting on the wall around Gerry’s raised flower bed, his head bowed, scuffing his feet in dry Texas dirt. Without saying a word Jensen sat down next to him, knocking shoulders.

 

“You ok?” he asked quietly

 

“Yeah dude, just a bit overwhelmed”

 

”You are never overwhelmed Jay”

 

”Well I am today, s’all the talk about the strike, and finding work, and shit”

 

“Yeah, I know, your dad was quizzing me on scripts earlier”

 

”Shit, sorry”

 

“Nah, not a problem, I do at least have some I was willing to admit to”

 

”Do you? Like what?”

 

“Well, the CSI franchise was looking at a character arc and approached my agent, maybe like ten episodes or something”

 

”Jeez man, that’d be cool”

 

“Yeah” Jensen blushed “I was angling for New York” he added sheepishly

 

“When do you … I mean … Supernatural …” Shit, just say the words, are you leaving the show ? Leaving me?

 

”I can’t believe it Padalecki lost for words”

 

”Shut up dude, I just want to know where that leaves Dean” Where it leaves Sam

 

“It doesn’t. I mean it would be June shooting, and I don’t have to commit ‘til February so, you know, plenty of time to see what happens on Supernatural”

 

“OK”

 

“So what scripts are you sitting on”

 

“I haven’t looked.” sound blasé, sound like it’s not important

 

”Not looked at all” Jensen sounded incredulous

 

”Nah”

 

“Why Jay?”

 

“Cos I have a gut feeling Supernatural will run to five seasons” liar liar liar

 

“God I hope so, I love Dean, I love Sam, the show, I wanna stay”

 

“It’ll be fine Jen, fine” God I hope so…and why the hell is it me reassuring Mr CSI, it’s actually me that needs reassurance.

 

“Have you heard from Danny today?”

 

“Nah, she’s busy doing promos”

 

“For real? ”

 

“For real. ”

 

“How does she handle the whole just in public thing when you are with her behind closed doors? ”

 

“She’s fine really, it wont last, she will actually find someone who wants to sleep with her, and then we’ll go public and split up, no harm, no foul”

 

“Will you ever .. y’know … tell anyone …”

 

“That I’m gay? ”

 

“Hmmm”

 

“What and commit professional suicide, yeah like that is gonna happen when I’m at the CW, jeez, talk about giving them ammunition for cancellation. Me? I’d leave it ‘til I was in a committed relationship”

 

“You wouldn’t keep a relationship to yourself?”

 

“I would never put my life partner in that position, never make him feel like he was a dirty secret”

 

“Life partner Jen, that sounds kinda sweet”

 

”Ass”

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

After thanksgiving Jared felt a bit more focused, he really felt he should be doing something more over enforced break, and he even listened as Sandy suggested a holiday to Europe in the New Year. She wanted to see Paris and London, Jared just wanted to get away from everything and forget.

 

He spent long hours thinking, wondering just where he was going in life. Losing Supernatural might be bad, but he had Sandy, JaredSandy had been so much a part of his life and had shaped him as a person. He was into her and she was into him and that is all that mattered at the end of the day. He felt secure and loved.

 

Well anyway that is how he supposed he should be feeling, it was there, the feeling of sameness, of normal, just out of reach, but there. He had to make the decision as to where it was going next, he was 25 not 18, he needed to shape up and ship out.

 

So why the doubts, why the general feeling of dread? 

 

He looked at Jensen’s life; he was so sure in that life, so sure of what he wanted. He looked at the secret Jensen kept, that only a few people knew about, and wondered about it. Ever since Jensen had told him, over beers and Madden, it had been at the back of Jared’s mind, planting seeds in his brain that grew slowly and insidiously until they formed real confusion in his thoughts.

 

Jared wasn’t gay. He wasn’t. He saw Jensen as a gorgeous sexy man, that didn’t make him gay. He often lost himself in green eyes, that didn’t make him gay. Watching Jensen get changed in his trailer and admiring his gym honed physique, that wasn’t really gay, just appreciative. I mean who wouldn’t want to look at Jensen freaking Ackles naked?

 

The problem Jared had was, he decided, a kind of separation anxiety. They would always be friends … that was a given … but best friends? Best friends who shared everything to the point where Jared didn’t need anyone else? That would be lost … it was inevitable. So any burgeoning feelings he was having for his costar belonged in this whole I’m not handling life category and something there needed to change and change soon.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

”I need your help” Jared started a few days after Christmas

 

“What with?”

 

“A ring”

 

”A ring”

 

“I’m gonna ask Sandy to marry me, in Paris” Jensen looked stunned and then the widest grin split his face as he swept Jared into a bear hug, burying his face in Jared’s shoulder. God Jensen you smell good.

 

“This is huge.” Jensen laughed pulling back and looking into Jared’s eyes.

 

“I know” Was that doubt he could hear in his own voice push it down, push it down

 

”My boy, all growed up” Jensen added proudly.

 

“Man” Jared whined

 

“So a ring, like what sort of ring”

 

“I don’t know, where do I start”

 

”I’m thinking jewellery shop dude”

 

“Ha ha”

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jared sat on the end of the bed his head blank, the tiny box open on his lap, the diamond glinting in the light cast by the lamp. He looked from the ring, to his open suitcase and back again, finally burying it down in amongst socks and boxers and pushing the case lid down zipping it and locking it with a sudden sense of finality.

 

He pulled out his mobile, opening an empty text screen

 

Done. Packed, flight in 2. A small part of him needed to know Jensen was there, on the end of the phone, giving him moral support. It didn’t take long for the reply to come back.

 

Don't forget the ring muppet. Text me.

 

That made Jared smile. 

 

What wasn’t making him smile was the heavy feeling in his stomach as he imagined the scenario of proposing.

 

Just nerves. Just nerves.


	3. Chapter 3

Two things happened, close together, and as fast as Jared fell, he climbed back up. Was it fate that, as he considered the next step in his life, that everything fell so easily and so simply into place?

 

_Jared, pick up the phone man, Jeez? Listen dude we been given the green light for the rest of Season 3 and Kripke says Season 4 is in the bag. Call me._

 

The writers strike was nearing its end, light at the end of the tunnel, even a shooting schedule for the last few episodes.

 

So for Jared, so many good things, all at the same time, good omens, it was all coming together, he had direction again. And most important of all he had Jensen, guaranteed, for at least another two years.

 

_Jensen, pick up, got your messages, all seven of them, and the one from Kripke. I so need to get back into Sam’s headspace, phone me._

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

“What’s up babe?” Sandy asked her boyfriend, pulling him into a hug and reaching up for a kiss. “You still worried about that whole heights thing?”

 

“San, it says the Eiffel tower is like 320 metres high” that is why I am nervous, that is why I am nervous

 

“Yeah but you don’t go that high, just like 270 metres up

 

“Shit”

 

“Seriously babe, you are freaking me out” She pulled on a jacket and moved to the door

 

“Sandy - ” Do it now, before you lose it, don’t do it outside, people will film us, photograph us, make it real

 

Sandy moved back to Jared, watching amazed as he dropped to one knee in front of her.

 

“Sandy will you marry me?” Stunned silence, and then Sandy’s eyes just filled, and tears slid down her beautiful face, as Jared handed her the small box. She opened it and gasped at the most gorgeous ring she had ever seen.

 

“Yes” she choked, “yes I will” and then he stood, sweeping her into a theatrical hug, swinging her around and placing her back on her feet, taking the ring out and sliding it onto her tiny ring finger, so small in his bear-like hands, so delicate.

 

“Thank you” he said in a quiet, almost breathless voice, “Sandy, thank you”

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jen, hey, she said yes man, start saving for the wedding gift. Call me dude.

 

Jared, this phone tag is a killer, not sure what you up to, but Australia rocks man, so hot, all my freckles are joining up dude, so not cool. Call me.

 

Hey Jen, just catching up, have the magazine interview tomorrow, we’re just going to Stonehenge, there are stones there older than you, it’s a miracle. Call me.

 

Jared dude, this time difference sucks, ha ha for the age joke, consider yourself uninvited to my 30th

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jared’s phone went at 7 in the morning and he had to lean over a cuddly Sandy to reach it. She murmured in her sleep, but he just hushed her and dropped a small kiss on her back. He pulled the phone to him, read the display and rolled out of bed, pressing to connect and moving to the door to the balcony for a good signal.

 

“Jen”

 

”Hey dude”

 

”Hey, where are you?”

 

“Just back at the hotel”

 

“You going home?” Home, Texas, I miss you

 

”Two days, Danny left yesterday, just have a photo shoot and some questions I need to answer”

 

“You OK?”

 

”Tired, really tired, it was really hard, I had a lot of shit to get through, never mind me Mr almost married ... she fell for it then, she said yes?”

 

“Why wouldn’t she, who wouldn’t want a piece of me?”

 

“You wish”

 

”Yeah, I know you harbor a great gay love for me”

 

”In your dreams straight boy”

 

“So, are you enjoying your last days of being 29?”

 

“Laugh it up stretch, your turn will come soon, by the time you get to 29 you’ll have three kids and be going bald”

 

“Listen Jen, I have a problem, getting to Texas for your birthday man” Silence

 

“OK. If you cant make it you can’t, no biggie” Jared heard the disappointment in Jensen’s voice, and he opened the door and stood out in the cool early morning London air.

 

“Jen, I tried, but Sandy is set on us attending the premier of Jeff Wadlow’s new film, she is still friends with him and kinda feels she owes him after Cry Wolf”

 

”Yeah, like the peak of her career and yours” Jensen pointed out dryly

 

“Whatever, I need to do this for her, and my agent wants photos of us out together with rings” A pause.

 

“So you are gonna go public like straight away?”

 

”I don’t want to, it’s all bullshit, but apparently CW have asked for some buzz to big up Supernatural for the rest of Season 3”

 

“Shit”

 

”Tell me about it ... the film is on the 4th March”

 

”So you could - ”

 

“I can’t, I have a Laker’s game I need to go to”

 

”Lakers”

 

“Don’t ask”

 

“Is that another Sandy thing?”

 

“Yeah, but it’s also a CW thing - they’re playing the Mavs”

 

“Shit man, bet you root for the Lakers”

 

“Would I do that to you”

 

“Yes” Another pause, suddenly Jared seemed tongue-tied and more than a little sorry for upsetting Jensen.

 

“I’ll make it up to you”

 

”Yeah, that is a bit girly even for you Jaredina, just make sure you give me a huge ass present”

 

“You got it”

 

“And I expect a beer night at yours so I can kick your ass at Madden”

 

“In your dreams”

 

“Night”

 

”Later”

 

Jared climbed back into bed

 

“Whosat” Sandy mumbled

 

“Jen”

 

“M’ok” and she turned over to sleep some more.

 

Jared lay back on his side of the bed, staring at the ceiling, running the conversation through his mind by the time you get to 29 you’ll have three kids. He did want kids, he wanted them with Sandy, he wanted that life, that normality, wanted to see Sandy grow big and round with his child, coach little league, scare boyfriends away from his 16 year old daughter. He could normally see it all as clear as day, could actually see Sandy by his side. 

 

But for some reason all he felt this morning was cold, ice cold to his heart, and a small part of him was starting to feel very scared.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

The film was OK, but it couldn’t keep Jared’s attention, he had texted Jensen the day before, had sent him an awesome present, but there was a strange unsettled feeling that consumed him. Sandy asked him on more than one occasion if he was OK, he just used the standard I’m tired excuse, she seemed to accept it, and that was another thing for Jared to feel guilty about. They had walked the carpet, had the requisite couple shots and a few singles, Jared was sure he smiled, smiled a lot, and he knew he had hugged Sandy, he remembered her warm body pressed into his side.

 

The film blurred into the game, he knew the Mavs were playing, he knew he should support the Lakers, but he was thinking some freaky shit and he could not stop it. How many times had Jensen and him sat in front of the TV? Jensen for the Dallas Mavs, Jared for the Spurs. Winding each other up, gloating at successes and drowning failures in beer and Chinese. Despite his insistence to Jen that the Lakers were his to support tonight, he found himself rooting for the underdogs, although he would never tell Jensen that.

 

He did text him halfway through to rub it in that the Mavs were losing.

 

Jensen sent him a sad face.

 

It made Jared smile. Not hollow and empty and pretend, just a proper smile, a simple happy smile.

 

Sandy saw him smile at the text. 

 

She frowned.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jared really enjoyed conventions, especially the ones where it was him and Jensen together, not just one of them on their own. Filming had gone well so far, episodes had been screened, feedback was good, they hadn’t seen scripts for the last episode but the feeling on set is that Dean would go to hell. He couldn’t say any of that to the fans, but he was happy enough to put the rumours to rest about him and Sandy, announcing that yes, they were engaged. 

 

He laughed, he joked, and part of him, an icy part inside of him started to melt as he stood with Jensen. Maybe he was back on track now, maybe he could squash the doubts he was having about his life choices and actually focus on the future. 

 

He fielded the congratulations from the crowd, turning to include Jensen in what was essentially one big group hug, but Jensen had fallen back, Jared assumed this was to give Jared more of the spotlight. 

 

Jared thought he saw something in Jensen’s eyes; a resignation, a sadness, but it was so fleeting he knew he must have imagined it. 

 

Jensen saw him look, schooled his features into a beaming smile and squeezed Jared’s arm, cracking a joke and breaking the enthralling hold that was keeping Jared smiling. Suddenly with Jensen’s hand there, touching him, supporting him … suddenly Jared felt sick and dizzy and desperate to escape the eyes all turned on him. Help me Jensen he telegraphed with his eyes, and Jensen did just that as if he knew Jared had lost it. Smoothly and unruffled and without making it look obvious, Jensen led the rest of the breakfast session with ease.

 

The rest of the convention passed quickly, Jensen watching his back, and they were back on set finishing Season 3 as best they could. Jared really started to lose his grip towards the last episode, knowing Dean was dying, he thought he’d done enough crying in Mystery Spot, but no, Kripke had to pile on the angst. I am an actor, I am an actor, a litany of words that tumbled in his head. He needed to cry as a brother for a brother, and he tried all of his usual tricks. He thought of his dogs dying, he thought of losing Sandy, he thought of never seeing Jensen again. Then he cried.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Straight from filming the last scenes for season 3 Jared had two days he had kept to catch up with Sandy. He needed to talk to her. Their phone calls had become stilted over the last few weeks as Jared slipped further and further into character, living and breathing Sam. He would phone her, and have nothing to say. Nothing.

 

She tried, she really tried, but when it came down to it, it was normally Jared that pushed the conversations along with his stories from set, the pranks, the disasters, the outtakes, the laughter and the tears. But he stopped. He stopped when he realised that most of his stories revolved around Jensen. JensenJared, JaredJensen. He felt guilty talking so much about Jensen, hearing the catch in Sandy’s voice every time he did, so he just didn’t bother to start anything. 

 

He was starting to realise just how much of his life revolved around Jensen, and how tightly Jensen fitted into that life. 

 

They met, they talked, it was inevitable actually.

 

“Why did you ask me to marry you?” she asked quietly.

 

”It seemed right”

 

“Right?”

 

”I love you Sandy, you have to know that I love you, promise me that you’ll let me try this, start over again, make it right”

 

“I promise Jay, I promise, I want you to try”

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Filming started on Friday 13th and that was when it happened. The rumours. The rumours of Jared getting his end away with showgirls. Showgirls? As if.

 

The phone conversation with Sandy was hard

 

“It’s not true San, none of it is true”

 

“I know Jared, I know”

 

“San, I’m sorry, this is gonna happen to us, people are jealous”

 

“I’m not sure I’m ready for this Jared. I am fighting so many battles within our relationship, I’m not sure I can battle outside as well”

 

“What do you mean? I don’t - ”

 

”I shouldn’t need to explain Jay” Sandy’s voice was tight. Not angry, just flat and emotionless, like she had made a decision a while ago and had had time to think it through and come to terms with it.

 

Jared’s heart broke right there, Jared knew Sandy was right, his gut clenched, his breathing grew shallow and his vision blurred as tears built in his eyes.

 

“No San, you don’t have to explain … you know that I’m sorry though?”

 

“You have nothing to be sorry for Jay, it just wasn’t meant to be”

 

They talked a little while longer; unshed tears tight in Jared’s chest. When they finished and he dropped the phone he didn’t know what to do, where to turn. He just slid to the floor, his back hunched, his arms closed around his legs. 

 

He wanted to cry, but he couldn’t. He wanted to scream and shout and blame someone, anyone but him, but he couldn’t. He wanted to go home, wanted out of this place, wanted his family … wanted Jensen.

 

He couldn't have any of those things


	4. Chapter 4

The journey to Pennsylvania was brutal, two planes, two taxis and lots of hanging around, all in the vain hope that he could catch Jensen for a ten minute chat between scenes. He’d finally told his parents, letting them tell Meg and Jeff. They were so sad for him, had loved Sandy, but they didn’t pry even after he told them of the set rumours, denying it all and explaining Sandy and him just wanted different things out of life.

 

He rang off, his moms advice ringing in his ears, come home sweetheart, come home for a while.

 

Then only person left to tell, that he wanted to tell, was Jensen, and he didn’t want to do that over the phone. He couldn’t understand why he felt it was important to talk to Jensen face to face, when he had been happy to tell his mom over the phone, but something was compelling him to go.

 

He had the taxi drop him at the gate, moving swiftly past the small group of watchers that huddled there, wondering how long it would be before they noticed six four of hulking Padalecki. He managed to talk to security before giving in to the calls of his name, dispensing autographs and just saying he was here to make sure Jensen was doing it right without him. The girls giggled and after posing for a few photographs he let himself be led on site by a PA, fixing the visitor pass to his jacket.

 

“Mr Padalecki, Mr Ackles is filming, he said he should be back soon and said you should use his trailer” the PA, who wasn’t a day over eighteen, said whilst consulting her clipboard. She frowned tapping her pen on the notes in front of her and unclipped a key, handing it to Jared as if it was a precious object. They stopped in front of a trailer, not dissimilar to the trailers on Supernatural, and Jared let himself inside. He waited for the PA to leave, but she hovered, possibly worried about letting Jared into Mr Ackles trailer with no Mr Ackles in residence.

 

“If there is anything you need, I’ll be at craft services” she finally decided to leave and Jared breathed a sigh of relief. Closing the door he breathed deeply, the scent of Jensen’s aftershave permeating the tired décor, and crossed to the small television, picking up the two photos that sat on top. The first a group shot, a grinning Jensen with his mom and dad, Josh and Mackenzie. The second just of the two of them, a candid shot taken by Katie early in Season 3, Jared with his arm around Jensen, both grinning into the camera. 

 

If he remembered rightly it was taken the same day as Katie had been covered in tomato sauce in the restaurant scene, and the two of them could not stop laughing at the latest in the long line of pranks on set.

 

Jared studied himself in the photo, trying to concentrate on the feelings he had that day, but he couldn’t, it was just out of reach, a nebulous memory. He felt lost, wasn’t even sure what he was going to say when Jensen appeared. There wasn’t much too say really.

 

He sat and waited, not moving from the couch, hunched and tense until finally the door was flung open and the fresh outdoors air ushered in Jensen.

 

“Hey man” Jensen started in his usual exuberant manner where Jared was concerned, stopping only when the taller man didn’t stand, didn’t look at him, didn’t say a word.

 

“Jared, what the hell’s wrong” Your family?Sandy? Has someone died?

 

Jared looked up, his eyes bleak, how was he going to tell Jensen? Jensen, me and Sandy have split up. Jensen I’m not engaged anymore. Jensen, guess what man, I’m back on the market.

 

“Jensen … help me” Jensen dropped to a crouch in front of him, sick to see Jared so pale, so drawn, so empty.

 

“What is it Jay?”

 

“Sandy and me … we’ve …” he stopped his voice distant and echoing in his head, he didn’t know what to say, how to say it, look at me Jensen, just know what I am trying to say.

 

Jensen was confused, Sandy and Jared what?

 

“Jay give me something more here, what - ” and then he saw it. The empty ring finger, the thin band of white where the ring had been and he just knew what had happened. “Oh Jay, I’m sorry.” He used a hand to tilt Jared’s head so he could see his eyes, know that he was listening “Jay, stay here OK, I’ll be five minutes, OK?” Jared heard him, well seemed to hear him, nodded, dropped his head again.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Patrick wasn’t happy to say the least, but he respected Jensen’s request for a break. Jensen was the easiest actor he had ever worked with and he did have other scenes they could work on. After issuing the usual back tomorrow, 11am, sharp he said he hoped the family crisis could be averted and wished Jensen luck. Jensen was suitably effusive in his thanks, promising an early resolution and then calling for a car. He returned to his trailer, concerned to see Jared hadn’t moved.

 

“Hotel” he said carefully and waited as, painfully slowly, Jared stood and followed him, not saying a word. 

 

They avoided the main gate, and were back at Jensen’s hotel within 10 minutes. Jay said nothing all the time they were in the car, just kept stealing glances at Jensen with hooded eyes, his face still too pale for Jensen’s liking.

 

They arrived at the hotel and were in Jensen’s room before they knew it, Jensen guiding Jared to sit on the sofa in the corner, seating himself on the corner of the bed opposite him.

 

“What happened Jay?” 

 

“I really don’t know Jen” Jared’s voice sounded rough with tension, his words coming out on a sigh “I thought it was … was right … I thought it was what I wanted”

 

”You broke it off, not Sandy”

 

”Me, Sandy, we both knew”

 

“Is Sandy OK?” Jared looked up, his eyes wide, as if this thought hadn’t occurred to him before.

 

“I … I don’t know” Jensen considered Jared’s words, not sure exactly what to say to them.

 

“I should imagine she’s as devastated as you are dude”

 

“I’m not” Jared said carefully

 

“Not?”

 

”Not devastated…” Jared paused, swallowing and twisting his hands together in his lap “ … I don’t know how I feel”

 

“Sad? Tired? Relieved?” Jensen threw the words out and let them hang there, wondering if he had crossed the line.

 

“Sad, I let it go so far, sad I hurt Sandy, so tired Jen, so tired all the time and not sleeping much. And relieved? Yeah a bit. It’s kinda like this enormous twist in my stomach had gone”

 

“Jay, I really am sorry, I wish knew what to say”

 

“How can you know what to say, when I don’t even know what to say, what to think?”

 

“Has Friday 13th wrapped?” Jensen was suddenly inspired

 

“Yeah, why?”

 

“Stay. Stay with me, get the room next to me, I only have like two more weeks, then I’m going back up to Vancouver, stay here and we can talk, sort it out, or just sit and veg, whatever you want”

 

“OK” There was no life in Jared’s small voice and Jensen sighed inwardly feeling his heart break in two to see his friend so low. He would do what he could. He would try to help.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++

 

As it was Jared didn’t stay for the whole two weeks, as the Dallas Supernatural convention intervened.

 

“Jeez do you really feel it is necessary to announce it in public? For gods sake it’s not like it's anyone’s business what goes on in his personal life.” Jensen turned his full wrath on the Supernatural publicist sending his venom down the phone having taken the phone from a dazed Jared’s hand.

 

“It was a mutual decision … yes it still hurts and it is NOT going to be nice to tell a crowd of people he broke up with the girl he thought he was going to spend the rest of his life with.” The last part he said softly, turned away from Jared, but still as threatening and vehement as he had been before.

 

Jared took matters into his own hand, taking the phone back off of Jensen, to Jensen he said “Scaring Sophie is not going to help dude” to the publicist on the end of the phone he said “Sophie, it’s OK, I’ll handle it”

 

Jensen bristled and paced as Jared put the phone down “You don’t have to say a word” he said immediately.

 

”And have people find out third hand? Hassle Sandy?”

 

”But, but … I’m not gonna be there Jay” Jensen blustered, finally stopping pacing enough to see the almost soft expression on Jared’s face.

 

“I can do it Jensen, I owe Sandy that, I’m a big boy and I can handle it”

 

“Jesus Jared, they’ll eat you alive”

 

“They may not, they may just accept it and not say anything” I hope so

 

Silence. Neither man knew what to say.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++

 

It was the day before the convention. The day before Jared needed to stand up with Jim and tell the world of his failure. Tension was high, Jensen snapped and spent a long time in the foyer on the phone running nervous hands through short hair, and after pulling Jared into a tight hug and wishing him the best of luck, he disappeared off to set.

 

“Call me” he said, his face drawn, his eyes full of worry

 

“I will. Jensen, thank you”

 

“S’cool, just call me”

 

++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jared’s phone rang about half an hour later, it was Megan. Megan who kept checking in on her big brother, offering advice and generally being a pain in the ass, which he loved.

 

“Meg” he answered.

 

“Jay, I think you need to read something, do you have your laptop?”

 

”Hello to you too, little sis”

 

“It’s Sandy, she’s done some sort of press release thing?”

 

”A press release?” Jared repeated, powering up his laptop and watching the screen.

 

”Well not a press release exactly, more of an open letter to her fan club”

 

“Where is it at Meg?”

 

Meg reeled off the address and Jared wrote it down on hotel stationary. “I’ll check it out Meg”

 

”Phone me back JT”

 

”I will, I will”

 

June 8, 2008

 

_Dear Lena,_

_It is true. Jared and I are no longer engaged. I did not want this information to have to come from me, but I felt it was necessary to confirm it in order to protect Jared from being asked questions about it this weekend in Dallas. Contrary to what you may have heard/read, our split was not caused by any foul play on either of our parts, we simply decided that it was not the right time for us. We still love each other very much, but we want different things in life, and it's a simple as that. Please know that it is extremely difficult for me to write this, and I can only imagine how hard it would be for Jared to have to talk about it in front of hundreds of fans. So I am answering the questions now with the hope that no one will make Jared have to speak about it publicly. Your support past, present, and future is very much appreciated._

_Thank you for everything,_

_Sandra_

__

 

 

Needless to say, in shock and devastation at seeing it in black and white Jared didn’t phone Megan back, or even acknowledge her twenty odd calls, or those from Jeff, his mom and finally Jensen.

 

He simply finished packing and left for the airport, his head totally screwed, his brain fried and his stomach in knots.

 

When he arrived at the convention location, back on Texas soil, he met Jim in the back room, made sure he knew what had happened and sat to wait for the axe to fall, dread in his stomach.

 

It was Mackenzie he saw first, Mackenzie who cuddled him close, then Josh who held out his hand for a solid shake. Finally Jensen’s mom and dad, who stood at his side, just visiting as it was nearby, an excuse made nonsensical as Donna cupped Jared’s face and stroked his cheek gently “We are all very sorry” was all she said.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jared was already sweating as he stood on the stage, his striped shirt wet and sticking to his back, his jeans sticking to his legs, his heart racing as he looked out at the sea of expectant faces. Most of them knew. It was obvious he was a hot topic of conversation, him and his complete failure to do things right. They stood on the stage, Jim trying hard to look cool with it all, squeezing Jared’s arm as he walked on. They shot the breeze for a few seconds with the assembled fans but Jared just wanted it finished.

 

_“…. I wanted y’all guys to hear it from me, cos I’m sure there have been rumours and a lot of stuff going on … “_

 

He paused, hearing murmuring in the auditorium, and as he took the next step in his life, it seemed like part of him died

 

_“…Sandy and I are no longer together …"_


	5. Chapter 5

After the convention it was the biggest relief to be back on the Supernatural set. With Jensen, with the usual faces, it felt almost like home. 

 

The mood on set was positive now they had been renewed for season four so early, and Eric was fairly vibrating with where the characters were going season four. 

 

For a short period of time, just momentarily, everything seemed to level off for Jared. 

 

He wasn’t sleeping. He was still, in his own words in his head, an emotional basket case, but he hid it well. So well that not even Jensen totally understood where he was at.

 

They slipped in to Sam and Dean as easily as changing clothes, carefully watching each other and learning the whole SamDean dynamic over again in this controversial Dean going to Hell storyline. They had finished a particularly hard shoot today, for Time Is On My Side, Jared face felt raw from the tape they had used to hold his eyes open, and exhaustion as they struggled to wrap the scenes, was starting to drag him down a bit.

 

When his cell rang, he was sitting in his trailer, waiting for a call back and rubbing moisturiser onto his sore skin. He almost ignored it until he read caller ID. Sandy.

 

“Jay, how are you?” Sandy started the phone conversation calmly. How am I? How are you? Jeez I called the whole thing off?

 

"How are you San?”

 

”I asked first?” I don’t deserve to be asked forget about me

 

“San, stop, how are you?”

 

”I’m phoning you because I thought you should that … I wanted you to know I’m seeing someone Jay”

 

”Seeing someone?” Seeing someone? Who? 

 

“It’s not serious Jay, you need to know that, but I kinda needed some time away from all the shit and Caleb is good for me at the moment”

 

“Caleb”

 

“Yeah, you don’t know him, I went to school with him, he was a friend, I need friends right now Jay, you can understand that can’t you?” her voice had a pleading tone

 

“Oh my god, of course San, I want you to be happy, I guess …”

 

“Guess what?”

 

”I guess I never expected it so soon”

 

“Jared it’s like been three months now”

 

“I know” Has it? Shit, three months.

 

“So I kinda phoned to give you a heads up”

 

“Thanks Sandy” Why? Why tell me? Why are you being so nice, I screwed you big time. “I hope things go well for you”

 

”I know you do Jay”

 

“I want us to stay friends, San”

 

Hesitation, a long pregnant pause

 

“I’m not sure yet Jay, I think it’s too soon to be talking about that”

 

”OK, I respect your decision, maybe one day eh?” Ok? It’s not OK, please Sandy, please.

 

“One day Jay, one day”

 

“Erm, what does Caleb do?”

 

Sandy laughed softly “So far away from you and me Jay, he’s a mechanic, has his own garage”

 

“Good, I want him to look after you”

 

“It’s not serious Jay, I’m just having fun”

 

“We kinda lost the fun didn’t we” We did … I ruined it, I didn’t know what I wanted and I ruined it.

 

“We did Jay” she agreed sadly then abruptly changed the subject “How’s Jensen?”

 

Jared was thrown for a bit. Jensen?

 

“Jensen’s fine, we’re working hard on leading up to the finale, big end, very emotional, so he’s tired”

 

“Jay, do you talk to him?”

 

”What about? You mean about us?”

 

”Yeah, in a way”

 

“I suppose I do, but not in depth” Sandy, shit, I cant talk to anyone, I don’t deserve anyone to listen to me let alone sympathise with my fucked up life

 

“You should talk to Jen, clear the air, maybe talk about your feelings”

 

”San, we’re men we don’t do that”

 

”Jay you need to, tell him how you feel about him, ask him how he feels about you”

 

“What his friendship means to me?” Sandy made an irritated noise on the other end of the phone and then sighed.

 

“A good start Jay. But honey you need to open your eyes to what is in front of you”

 

“I will” Jared said, not really sure what he was agreeing to. What was in front of him?

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jared was 26 on the 19th July, the saddest birthday he had ever had.

 

He loved birthdays; loved the gifts, the attention, the general feeling of being loved. He smiled in makeup when presented with cream guaranteed to remove moles; he laughed when the sound guys bought him a book entitled ‘how to sing’, he even giggled at Eric’s card, which was simply signed ‘Whatever, get back on set’

 

But he wasn’t really feeling that. He was empty, emotionless, but a damn good actor.

 

Jensen had promised his present tonight and after downing a few beers with the cast and crew, Jensen encouraged him back to Jared’s house, telling him the present was in his trailer, and dealing with calling for the driver to get them home.

 

The dogsitter had gone, leaving a note that Harley’s vet check was due next week for his hip and that Jared needed to make an appointment, Jared just smiled, Harley hated the vets, that was going to be a hard one and Jensen normally helped, much to his distress. 

 

His babies went mad when he arrived home and, his breath hitching, he buried his head in sable fur, holding tight, Jensen just behind him. Scenting Daddy Jensen they launched themselves at the older man and Jared watched with something akin to jealousy as they jumped all over him.

 

“Chinese?”

 

“Your birthday dude”

 

“Chinese then” Jared phoned through the usual and moved to the kitchen, grabbing beers and taking them back to Jen who was slumped in his usual position at one end of the couch. His usual position, shit, Sandy never had a usual position.

 

When they sat waiting for Chinese, Jensen handed Jared his present.

 

“A Wii?”

 

“Well we have everything else man”

 

“A Wii…”

 

”And games”

 

”New games and an extra controller, oh and Mario Kart with the wheel and an extra wheel, cool” Jared seriously sounded like a kid at Christmas

 

”Yeah, new games I can thrash you at”

 

”In your dreams”

 

They settled on a simple game of bowling until the Chinese arrived and that was demolished in twenty minutes along with two bottles of beer each leaving them to settle on Mario Kart.

 

“I wanna be baby peach” Jensen demanded immediately, making Jared think he had maybe played this before.

 

”That is so gay” Jared pointed out

 

”Newsflash – I am gay”

 

“Well I wanna be Yoshi”

 

“Are you sure you’re not gay?”

 

”Bi maybe”

 

“Hmph”

 

The beer gave a pleasant buzz and Jared felt his recent fears and insecurities slowly slipping away. This is what birthdays were all about, a good friend, and beer, feeling happy, feeling contented. It was so long since Jared had felt anything remotely resembling peace and it was nice to be feeling it tonight, despite the fact that they had long moved onto Tequila and the buzz was turning to incoherency

 

“Jensen” Jared had something to ask him, Sandy said so.

 

“Uh huh”

 

“Jensen how do you feel about me?”

 

”What?”

 

“Sandy said I should ask you”

 

”She did”

 

”Uh huh”

 

“Well, you are my best friend man, I love you”

 

”Yeah, me too, I love you too, you are like, a really nice guy”

 

“A nice guy?”

 

”Yeah, a really nice guy” Of course he is a nice guy, Jensen looks after me.

 

”What if I wasn’t a nice guy?” Jensen said his eyes dark and questioning; his face carefully blank

 

“I wouldn’t like you” Jared said confidently

 

”That is just what I’m afraid of” Something of what Jensen said slipped through the alcoholic haze, and it puzzled Jared.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“What if I said that deep down I was pleased you had called it off with Sandy?”

 

Jared hesitated, not sure what Jensen was asking, of course he would be pleased if he knew Jared was unhappy, was that what he meant? “What if I said that I was pleased Jared?”

 

“I’m not getting it Jen” He leaned back on the couch the haze of tequila leaving him unfocused and confused.

 

“Doesn’t matter dude”

 

“M’okay” They settled back, having long given up on the Wii and slumping down on the Jared sized sofa, just gazing into the distance and contemplating life

 

“I need my bed dude” Jensen suddenly stood, “Happy birthday Jay” and waving a vague goodbye he climbed the stairs to the spare room, his room, wondering what the hell he had just done. Had he really almost revealed things he shouldn’t?

 

He pulled off his jeans, socks and T-shirt and slumped back on the bed Jared had bought specially for him when he bought the house just in case and lost himself in self recrimination and doubt. 

 

How could he possibly even think of starting to reveal anything to Jared? He was straight, painfully straight, and suffering from a great loss, leaving him bordering on depression. He needed Jensen as a friend, not as a quick fuck. It didn’t matter how much Jensen felt for the younger man, or how many years those feeling had been growing, it was not going to happen. Jared needed Jensen to get over Sandy, perhaps even find him a replacement girl for a while to take the edge off the raw passion the younger man was struggling with, not offer himself on a plate. 

 

Yes, he was a tiny bit pleased that JaredSandy was no more, but for purely selfish reasons, shitty, unhelpful, unfriendly reasons. For reasons he would never share he was ironically pleased they were no more.

 

Jared was going through his own array of emotions. They ranged from happiness to confusion, bewilderment to relief, all tumbling about in his head, all confused with tequila and beer.

 

He was happy because he was here, with Jensen, on his birthday. He was confused because Jensen asked questions then recanted them, strange questions that didn’t make sense. He was bewildered because for the first time in months he felt kind of settled and relieved that it seemed maybe he was finally coming to terms with everything.

 

Or was that just the alcohol talking?

 

Blearily he dragged himself up to his room, stopping momentarily outside Jensen’s room, lifting his hand to knock, pausing and then sighing, walking past and on to his own room.

 

The tequila buzz was starting to ease off. They hadn’t drunk so much that either of them would be ill in the morning, and the buzz was making way for the usual feelings he took to bed with him. Shame, disappointment, guilt, his constant companions. He welcomed the feelings as they started to flood him; they were familiar feelings now. 

 

And suddenly that was when the anger hit.

 

That was a new one. Anger. He hadn’t had that one before, or not that he could identify separate from everything else. He knew what had caused it. A niggling sense of betrayal from his friend, a doubt about Jensen’s motives?

 

Without a moments thought he strode out of his room and into Jensens, the anger bubbling on the surface.

 

“What the hell Jensen” he said loudly, scaring a half asleep Jensen into a bolt upright sitting position

 

“Shit Jay, what’s wrong?”

 

“Like I said asshole, what the hell did you mean?”

 

Jensen fumbled for his glasses looking confused and sleepy. “What did I mean when?” he asked

 

“You. Said. That you were happy me and Sandy had split”

 

“Oh”

 

“Yes Oh”

 

“I didn’t say exactly that. What I actually said is, what … what if deep down I was pleased you had called it off with Sandy”

 

”Which is exactly the same thing”

 

”No it isn’t Jay, I wouldn’t wish the kind of thing you are going through on anyone you know that”

 

“But”

 

“But a big part of me is glad the two of you didn’t make it”

 

”Well that is the shittiest thing I have ever heard a supposed friend say” Jared crossed to the bed, glaring down at Jensen, “did you tell Sandy that?”

 

“Never Jay, never”

 

“Did you think I wasn’t right for her, was that it?”

 

”No”

 

”Then what Jen, what”

 

”I thought she wasn’t right for you”

 

”How? How can she not be right for me? She was damn near perfect dude”

 

“Jay, stop it” Jensen stood up, inches from Jared, trying to pull himself to his full height in his bare feet, desperate to avoid the conversation despite the fact that he knew was kind of inevitable.

 

”Jen, I am not joking when I say we clear the air here and now”

 

“…… me” Jensen mumbled, hanging his head and running agitated fingers through short hair. Jared could only hear the end of it.

 

“Jen” He was starting to feel impatient and irritated, and totally and completely lost.

 

“She wasn’t me Jared. OK? She just … she just wasn’t me”


	6. Chapter 6

The hit came from nowhere, Jared putting six four of muscle into the punch, and driving Jensen to the floor where he lay back on his elbows stunned and bleeding from a tear to his lip.

 

“Jared - ”

 

“Get out of my house Jensen,”

 

“Jay, we need to talk - ” Jensen looked dazed and tears started to well in his eyes.

 

“You sick bastard, did you really think I would like fall at your … no … I’m not even gonna … just get the fuck out”

 

And then he left the room, left his best friend bleeding on the floor, shutting his ears to Jensen’s pleas, and locked himself in his room.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jensen lay there for a while, feeling dazed and totally devastated. He shouldn’t have said anything, he shouldn’t have told Jared how he felt. He should have timed it better, waited, not blurted it out so damn quick and under the influence of alcohol. Jared was literally everything to him, his best friend, the man he loved, and he wanted to be in his life for the rest of his days. 

 

He had resolved to remain just a friend, however painful he may find that in the long run, he just knew it was more than a crush on a straight guy, felt it in his heart that Jared was his entire life.

 

And now, what the hell had he done? Had he broken their relationship irrevocably? Jared had to see that Jensen had been happy holding back, just being a friend, a shoulder to cry on during all the troubles he had gone through in the last few months. It wasn’t as if Jensen had flirted, or pushed, or ever revealed anything. He’d never even spoken of this attraction to his own friends or their mutual friends.

 

“When Jensen saw Season 2 had been renewed, he knew it was time to tell Jared the truth about his sexuality and Jared’s reaction was a simple OK can you pass me the controller. Jared took the rise out of Jensen sometimes, then Jensen would focus vocally on Jared’s girly hair and love of wearing pink to counter the teasing.

 

But now? Now he had blown it big time and as he pulled on discarded clothes and looked at his puffy face in the mirror he knew it was going to be a long journey to fix this one.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jared listened as Jensen left, heard the door closing, shutting with a cold finality. He couldn’t believe what had just happened, what Jensen had just revealed. He wanted to feel hurt, wanted to cry, wanted to feel betrayed but all he felt was numb.

 

What had possessed Sandy to get Jared to ask that question? Did she know? Was this some sort of revenge? Did she want Jensen to be the one to put the final nail in the coffin? He sat, cold and still on the floor of his room, back against the wall until dawn lit the room with a pale sickly hue. He felt ill, not hungover at all, just ill, betrayed, devastated, sad.

 

Like a robot he called the driver, said he was driving himself in, showered and dressed and was on set before anyone else, locking himself in his trailer, knowing that at some point he had to see Jensen, had to face what had been said, what he had done. He just couldn’t consider it today, couldn’t even rationalise what he was going to say.

 

He went into makeup deliberately timing it to miss Jensen, chatted aimlessly with the make up girls, even managed a laugh with wardrobe as he was handed the bloodied version of the blue shirt. He concentrated on slipping into Sam’s headspace, but that was easy. Sam was on the slippery slide anyway, just like Jared. Sam had agreed not to give in to Ruby, to learn about his powers, because Dean said so, because Dean refused to let Sam give in, and now with Dean gone Sam had to portray a desperation to give in to the powers he could feel constantly burning under his skin, to save his brother, to save Dean. 

 

Jared found it very easy to pull out the grief, the desperation; the devastation. In fact he quickly realised he was finding a strange kind of peace in the tumble and flow of dark emotions, and he actually met Jensen for the first time on the new set as Sam. Sam who had a deep love and affection for Dean and was overjoyed to have his brother back in whatever form he could. Jared could do that – it was only acting, he could do acting.

 

He found his mark, exchanged pleasantries with the episode director, nodded at Jensen. Makeup had done a good job, he couldn’t see a bruise from last night, maybe he hadn’t hit him hard enough? Jensen just blinked back at him, his face pale even with the makeup, his green eyes blank, his mouth set in a tight line. Jared’s thoughts flooded with anger What? You want me to apologise? No fucking way man, you were the one that screwed this one up.

 

The scene called for a face-to-face confrontation, Dean in a temper, up close and personal, demanding to know why Sam felt he had to give in to the dark side, as he had christened Sam’s powers. They did the take in 3 goes, they had to redo once for a small lighting problem with one of Jensen’s lines and Jared stood and watched until they wrapped the scene.

 

“Jared” A small voice, a concerned voice, Jensen.

 

“Jensen.” Was all Jared said, he found he didn’t actually have the willpower to exchange polite conversation.

 

“Jared, can we talk?” Jared stared at his friend thoughtfully, turned on his heels and left the set, noting he had to be back in an hour. No he wasn’t ready to talk.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

It went on like this for a good five days, each day for Jared started with having to get out of bed, something he was finding increasingly difficult. Sadie and Harley sensed something was up, kept pressing themselves against him, but he couldn’t even bring himself to stroke them, he had no energy and no inclination to do anything. He worked, he acted, he did his bit, but then he retreated, lost himself in thoughts that were all getting too confused to make sense out of.

 

People on set had taken to avoiding him, unsure of what was going on. Normally he was the life and soul, the centre of the set, happy, bouncy, stupid. They all blamed the split with Sandy and mourned the loss of happy Jared, hoping he would come back soon. They asked Jensen. Jensen would know.

 

Jensen couldn’t say anything. Couldn’t explain how he had ripped out Jared’s heart and stomped on it. He watched Jared in his scenes, marvelled at the depth of character, the blackness and the hatred that seemed to well up from inside of the actor when he donned Sam’s clothes. At the same time he was scared that it was himself that had forced those emotions into Jared, and he just didn’t know what to say. How could he tell people that it was his fault?

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

It had taken five days but Jared knew he had to talk to Sandy, he needed to talk to someone, and at least it seemed Sandy knew some of the story, after all it was her that had encouraged him to talk to Jensen.

 

Back in his trailer after a particularly dark scene, he slipped out of Sam’s shirt and picked up his cell phone, keying a number as familiar to him as breathing.

 

“Jay”

 

”Why did you do that to me San?”

 

“What? What did I do?”

 

“Made me ask Jensen how he felt about me?”

 

”Oh, that”

 

“Is this your way of getting some kind of revenge on me? I couldn’t be any more sorrier about what I did to you San, I said I was sorry, I only had Jen, and now I don’t have him at all”

 

”Jay, slow down, what happened?”

 

“I asked him, what you said, Sandy … did you know”

 

“You mean did I know that Jensen loves you, is in love with you?”

 

“You knew, you knew all this time? San, I asked him, how he felt about me? I didn’t know San, I didn’t know how he felt”

 

”Jared you’d have to be blind not to see - ”

 

“I was in love with you - ”

 

“Jay, yes, we were in love, I still love you as a friend, but I knew I shared you with Jensen”

 

”He was my friend, not the love of my life”

 

”Jared, stop”

 

”I can’t, I can’t stop, Sandy I just feel … I don’t know … I hit him”

 

”Jared, no, you didn’t”

 

“I did, he said he was happy we had split up”

 

“Did he really say that?” Sandy was confused, that wasn’t the Jensen she knew.

 

“Well something like that, he just implied … oh shit … I don’t know what he was implying”

 

“Jay, I could see it, other people could see it”

 

”But Sandy, I’m not even gay - ”

 

“Jesus Jared, you know and I know, that you’ve been with men before”

 

”Jensen doesn’t know that.” Jared sounded so sad, so lost, that Sandy carefully measured what she was going to say next.

 

“You know he was never going to say anything, don’t you?”

 

”No, I didn't know that, it’s like he has been waiting all this time, watching me, watching us”

 

“Now that is blatantly untrue” Sandy felt anger rise, why was Jared judging Jensen so harshly? “You are going to find Jensen, apologise for hitting him, and sort this out”

 

”How can I? I don’t like him that way, I cant lead him on”

 

”Talking to him isn’t leading him on, you idiot”

 

“I can't do it Sandy”

 

”Jay, Jensen is one of the nicest people I have ever met, he is your best friend, he has been your anchor through the last six months, longer even, give him the respect he is due and actually talk to the man”

 

“I can try, but I don’t know if I even want to talk to him again” Sandy sighed.

 

“You need to forgive him for whatever he did to push you apart, you need to forgive yourself for hitting him. And Jared, look at him, actually look past the friendship, look at the man.”

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Can you come around after set tonight Jared pressed send on his cell watching as the bar indicated text sent. It was a cowardly way of doing it, but to talk to Jensen face to face … well he needed to prepare for that.

 

He stood on the step of his trailer and watched as Jensen reached into his pocket for his cell, stopping his conversation with Jim long enough to check the text. He saw Jensen frown, saw him look up and meet Jared’s eyes. Jared turned away, moving back into his trailer and closing the door behind him. His cell indicated a new text

 

Sure, I’ll meet you at the car was Jensen’s reply.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

They had taken to using different cars for going to and from set, but neither said a word as Jensen climbed into Jared’s designated car instead of his own.

 

They arrived back at Jared’s, and Jensen gratefully slipped to his knees to pet the dogs, hugging them close and dropping kisses on soft velvet ears, he had really missed them, he felt like they were his too, to the point where he wondered if he should be asked for weekend visitation rights.

 

They sat uneasily, Jensen on the couch, Jared on the chair.

 

“I’ve spoken to Sandy …” Jared started “… she says I need to apologise for punching you”

 

“No you don’t, I deserved it”

 

“I’m not arguing that one, but … anyway consider yourself apologised too”

 

“Ok” Jensen said doubtfully, blinking.

 

“We need to talk”

 

“We do”

 

“Jensen what you said …” Jared didn’t know where to start

 

“I’m sorry man, I never meant to blurt it out like that”

 

“I know, I thought it was deliberate, I thought you were trying to hurt me”

 

“No” I would never knowingly hurt you.

 

“But I know it wasn’t, not really … so I kind of get it … your ideas for our friendship extend past what I am comfortable with”

 

“No, no … you see they don’t, god, I’m happy just being your friend, I can’t help how I feel about the rest, but nothing happening … that is good for me”

 

“How … I mean … how will you handle it … ”

 

“What you mean unrequited love? ” Say what you mean

 

“Yeah, I s’pose”

 

“It’ll be cool man, I promise, I’m used to it” Jensen smiled, and some small part of Jared, encased in ice started to break free, almost bringing him to his knees.

 

“Jen, I’m screwed man, I just feel so low, so destroyed, at the moment, I really need a friend right now, I really need you. I feel selfish asking, but I do seriously need help to get myself out of this shit I am mired in”

 

“And you have me Jay, as a friend”

 

“But - ”

 

“As a friend jay, just as a friend” Jensen’s voice was low and reassuring and it sent a shiver down Jared spine at the fervour he could hear. Jen was back JaredJensen was back.

 

“Will you stay here this evening and do the whole Chinese, beer, games thing” Jared asked uncertainly.

 

“Of course man, I’d love to, but you know what let’s skip the beer.”


	7. Chapter 7

A kind of shaky truce took them into September. The first episode of season 4 had gone out on the 18th and had had good ratings, Dean’s death at the end of season 3 enough to pull people back. The suits were pleased, Eric was pleased and Jared and Jensen were ecstatic in their own individual ways. The roles of Sam and Dean had morphed again, Dean having had his own taste of Supernatural intervention, and Sam becoming darker and darker.

 

Jensen took to muttering a lot, frowning a lot, concentrating on scripts a lot and generally getting serious about motivation. Something Jared decided was ideal to take the rise out of him for, this involved lots of things like hiding Jensen’s glasses and jumping out at him in mid thought, causing the older man to clutch his heart dramatically. 

 

The best prank though, was the naked Dean prank, the script delivery was on the Saturday, by the afternoon Jared had had 9 missed calls on his cell. Finally he gave in and returned a call, only to have a blustering Jensen swear blind he was not going full frontal naked on network TV, Jared could understand how Jensen finally realised he had been set up, he imagined the fact that as he commiserated with Jensen, he couldn’t stop laughing, was kind of a giveaway.

 

The new season affected Jared differently. He woke up every morning feeling like he actually wanted to get up. This in itself was a big thing. It was enough; it was a step in the right direction. He poured every low emotion, every black thought into Sam and his descent into using his dark powers. Every scene when Sam had to suspect Dean, every scene where Sam had to make some awful choice, Jared sunk into the persona like the other half of him. Jensen was impressed. He said so and that meant an awful lot to Jared as he had always looked up to Jensen. 

 

He still had regrets gnawing away at him, regrets that he had let Sandy down so badly, regrets that he had lost it so badly with Jensen. He knew he had issues

 

Most of the time however everything seemed OK. That was until the thanksgiving break loomed large and scary in front of him.

 

Jensen saw the decline, saw the edginess, and worried. He had watched Jared trying to climb back from the depths he had sunk to, had seen the depression start to turn, and was sad to see what ground his friend had clawed back slipping away.

 

They had ended back at Jared’s house and Jared was lying on the floor leaning back against a sleeping Sadie, a beer in his hand. Jensen himself had sat in his usual place on the settee and simply slid down and onto the floor anchoring his hands in Harley’s fur.

 

“Jay” he didn’t know where to start, didn’t know exactly what to say. 

 

“Hmmm”

 

“Is everything OK with you? You can talk to me if you want?”

 

Jared lay still for a long time, Jensen didn’t push.

 

“No man, I’m not doing so well”

 

“Do you know why?”

 

“Thanksgiving I think” Jared suggested thoughtfully

 

“Thanksgiving”

 

“I just don’t wanna go home, I just don’t think I can do it, mom assumes I’m going back, but … but I just can't face the whole family, not yet”

 

“So we don’t, we don’t go home, we go somewhere else, we have a different sort of thanksgiving”

 

“Chinese, beer, Wii”

 

”Yep, Chinese, beer and Wii”

 

“Here?” Jared looked around thoughtfully

 

“No” Jensen stated simply “We pack, put the dogs in the truck and just go”

 

”Just go”

 

”Live dangerously”

 

“Jeez you are one scary dude”

 

“So you up for it?”

 

”Yeah …” Jared started a little doubtfully and then sighed, “Yeah, actually, you know what … I am up for it”

 

“So I’ll find somewhere, book us in”

 

“This late in the day”

 

”Money talks” Jensen smirked, and then outright laughed at what he had just said.

 

“OK Hollywood … do your thing”

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jensen, with the help of three people on set, actually found somewhere, two bedrooms, that took dogs, about two hours outside of Vancouver. They packed the essentials. For Jensen this meant food, medicines, spare batteries, a torch and other essentials. For Jared this meant candy, a lot of candy, the dog blankets and beer. Pefectly matched, sniggered Jared as he loaded the truck and encouraged the dogs on the back seat.

 

The inside of Jensen’s truck was ordinarily kept immaculate and Jared flinched, as Sadie turned in circles shedding all over the black upholstery, Jensen saw Jared’s flinch and laid a hand on his friend’s arm “S’fine Jay, she’s family”

 

Jared smiled, a real genuine Jared smile and leaned in to pet Harley as he curled up next to Sadie, the older dog huffing and puffing and making himself cozy.

 

The journey was quiet, a comfortable silence settled between them. They started to relax and the air between them was calm and not strained.

 

They arrived at what turned out to be a cabin type one-storey house set back off the road and surrounded by trees. Jared let the dogs out straight away and they scented something dashing off into trees. Jensen rummaged around in a flower tub, holding up a key triumphantly, opening the door and gesturing for Jared to go in first. It was perfect, warm, comfortable, dog proof and most of all had a hot tub on the back porch.

 

They pulled in the bags and boxes from the truck and chose a bedroom each; Jared’s larger so the dogs could share. They agreed to meet back in the kitchen in an hour, where Jensen had offered to cook Italian, Jared’s stomach rumbled at the thought and Jensen just cast him a despairing look.

 

Safely shut in his bedroom Jared caught up with thanksgiving calls to his family and then made the most difficult call.

 

“Hello”

 

”Er hi, is Sandy there?” This must be Caleb

 

”Who is this please?”

 

”Jared”

 

”Oh hey Jared, I’ll just get her …. SANDY” A few moments pause and then he heard the receiver rattle

 

“Jared” She sounded breathless, as if she had run downstairs in a hurry

 

”Hi Sandy”

 

“I see you spoke to Caleb”

 

”Briefly”

 

“Happy Thanksgiving Jay”

 

”Back at ya Sandy. I just wanted to catch you quickly, wish you happy thanksgiving, check in with you, you know make sure you’re OK”

 

”Jared that is sweet, I’m fine, I’m going to Caleb’s a bit later. What are you up to?”

 

”I’m with Jensen”

 

”Is that going OK?”

 

”Yeah, friends again”

 

”Jared that is great, did he forgive you for hitting him”

 

”Well, that is kinda next on my agenda, making sure we’re cool about that” Sandy giggled at Jared’s words.

 

“Go easy on him, don’t lay the Padalecki charm on too thick”

 

“I wont. Go and have a good time with Caleb”

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jensen was, Jared decided, a god in the kitchen. He took pasta and spices and meats and tomatoes and made this dish that smelt heavenly and tasted better. Sitting at the table almost made the meal seem civilised and Jensen had actually opened wine instead of beer. There was a happy munchyslickyum kind of silence until they both sat back, Jared with a huge grin on his face and pasta sauce on his chin. Jensen just threw a dishcloth at him “What are you? Seven?”

 

“Oh. My. God. That was food to die for.”

 

”Says the man whose staple diet is candy.”

 

They cleaned up together, Jensen singing softly and Jared letting the melody wash over him, working it’s magic, combining nicely with the soft buzz from the wine. He did at one point start to sing along, but stopped when Jensen sent him an indulgent smile, the smile that indicated Jensen was trying not to laugh at Jared’s off key voice.

 

Jensen grabbed a second bottle of wine and they slumped onto the sofa, one at each end, shuffling up as Sadie forced her way in between them.

 

“You do realise that your dog takes up more room than we do put together.” Jensen grumbled before placing a kiss on the top of Sadie’s head.

 

“Suck it up fat boy”

 

“Laugh it up stretch” Jensen handed wine over Sadie’s head and finally the two men just sat.

 

“Can I talk seriously before the wine kicks in?” Jared started nervously

 

“Go on” Jensen sort of knew Jared had something on his mind.

 

“I want to say sorry”

 

”We’ve been over this Jay I - ”

 

“No, Jen, listen. I had some serious freaky shit going on in my head back when I nearly screwed it all up, but you are my best friend and I cant imagine how anything on earth could force me to hurt you. I hit you man, I hit you hard, and I am so sorry” Jared finished and finally turned to face Jensen, who was sitting silently weaving his fingers in Sadie’s fur and scratching behind her ears. He was looking directly at Jared, his green eyes bright, his face relaxed into a small smile.

 

“Jay, it was fight or flight, I didn’t tell you the way I should have, we were drunk, let’s forget it”

 

”I tried, I really tried to forget it, but I’m selfish, I need to know that you forgive me”

 

”Of course I forgive you” Jensen sounded almost impatient “I forgave you as soon as it happened. I knew why it had happened and you are my best friend, forgiveness is a given. Can you forgive me for not revealing my feelings for you a lot earlier?” 

 

Jared had no answer to that. Hadn’t Jensen just said best friends forgave anything? How could Jared qualify forgiveness, give it boundaries, or provisos in the face of the generous gift his friend had given him. He shook his head gently “How can I not forgive your big gay crush” he offered smiling, hoping Jensen could see Jared was cool with the whole situation. Jensen paused and then returned the smile.

 

Normal service resumed

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

“Can I ask you something?” Jared started as soon as bottle 2 had finished and they had exhausted the whole Mavs vs Spurs thing.

 

“Enough with the questions already” Jensen yawned tiredly.

 

“Seriously man, do you still erm … do you still …you know … you and me …”

 

“Like you? Love you? Want you?” Jensen listed succinctly using the fingers on his left hand to count.

 

“Erm … yeah”

 

“That will never stop Jay, I am forever destined to crush on the straight Padalecki guy”

 

“A crush then … just a crush” Did Jared sound relieved or upset? Jensen couldn’t tell.

 

“No…” he began thoughtfully “… more than a crush. I couldn’t imagine not having you in my life Jay”

 

“But Jen, don’t you see, that is the same thought I was having and it’s kinda what started the whole mess I got myself into”

 

“Wha - “

 

“No. What I meant was, Supernatural was gonna be cancelled, the writers were out on strike, you had that CSI thing lined up, you were gone. In my head you had already left and I was left without my reality check. I grabbed on to the only thing I could have as a constant in my life”

 

“Sandy”

 

“Yeah Sandy.” Jared paused sadly. “Jen, I can’t imagine not seeing you everyday, not talking to you. I know you Jensen, I know your history, your goals in life, I know you are a brilliant actor and singer and a crappy player on the Wii”

 

“Hey”

 

“And most of all I think I realised after all of this, that I was grabbing hold of the wrong person, when I should have been grabbing and holding on to you.”

 

“In a purely platonic non-sexual way.” Jensen smirked

 

Jared chose to ignore that as he was trying to be serious. “Jen, I have absolutely no right to demand you follow me around, I know that. It’s just to let you go without having another melt down … I think I need help in covering the whole ‘still being friends even though we don’t see each other every day’ thing”

 

“I can do that Jay, I can do that.”


	8. Chapter 8

Jared’s words stayed with Jensen long after he should have been asleep. He knew he was reading an awful lot into that sentence but 99% of him wished to the very core that Jared had meant that in a relationship way, rather than the purely platonic best friends thing.

 

Jensen had tried to get over Jared, he really had. Everyday he woke up knowing he was seeing Jared, he swore blind to the mirror that it was just friendship and not love, lust not need, that was driving his emotions. And then he saw him, and Jared could be hungover, fresh as a daisy, in makeup, covered in fake blood, in a suit, in jeans, any which way; it didn’t matter, Jensen felt emotion well up from deep inside him, an overwhelming love for all things Jared. 

 

It was singularly the best and the hardest thing he had ever had to deal with at the same time. 

 

He had never been jealous of Sandy, she had had Jared a long time before Jensen had even met him, and damnit she was so sweet and kind and just perfect for his friend. He was so genuinely pleased for them both when they announced their engagement, even if he did spend three days in an alcoholic daze, on and off the phone with Steve and Jason, the only people who knew about his strong feelings for his co-star.

 

In his usual fashion Steve had emailed him songs and had beer delivered, commiserating quietly with how hard he knew it had to be for Jensen, sensing he needed space. Jason on the other hand had flown up, not allowing Jensen any space, and got drunk with his friend on the last of the three days, conference calling Steve and generally providing new swear words Jensen could add to his vocabulary where Jared was concerned.

 

Jensen loved his friends, loved the uniquely individual ways in which they helped, but knowing deep down that what he really wanted was a Padaelcki hug, the very thing that was too dangerous to ask for.

 

So now, as he sat on his bed, only a wall separating him from Jared and his loose lipped emotions, he really was trying to calm down, get his head back into a place that could handle two more days of close proximity to the man he physically needed and wanted in his life. 

 

He shifted and lay down, turning around, facing the wall, turning again facing the door, sighing heavily, feeling every bump in the mattress, the covers to hot, too heavy, too cool, too scratchy, too smooth. 

 

It was so bloody frustrating and there was only so much he could take, until a need to look at a different wall sent him out to the sofa, in T-shirt and boxers, his body wrapped in a blanket, his glasses on his nose and a book in his hand.

 

He wasn’t going to sleep, he may as well catch up on reading as much as he could.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jared lay in his bed unsettled and in as mush discomfort as Jensen, but for very different reasons. I should have been grabbing and holding on to you. God that was so true, he should have worked harder at his friendship with Jensen, not taken it for granted, not assumed he could pick up and drop him as he wanted. 

 

He should have noticed Jensen looked at him differently, should have realised that veiled comments from Steve about Jensen held truth in them. But he hadn’t, he hadn’t taken any care of his friend’s feelings and his punishment was this, this laying awake, knowing Jensen was only feet away, probably feeling like shit.

 

What made it worse was the resolution in his friends eyes when he agreed he could handle whatever relationship he had with Jared. He had done that, put that resignation in Jensen’s eyes, broke his heart, left him wanting more, and guilt started to suck him down, making him question his motives. When he saw Jensen’s beautiful green eyes fill with that acceptance, it was an expression he never wanted to see again, not in those eyes, the eyes he could lose himself in.

 

It wasn't exactly an epiphany, more a slow realisation that he wanted to clear that expression from his friends eyes, and ways to do that jumbled in his head. 

 

From offering himself on a plate hmmm arrogant to cutting Jensen out of his life; he tested all of the ways and found them wanting. Cutting Jensen out of his life was not an option, selfishly he knew that just days away from Jensen were awful, let alone forever, and god, he did not want to go through that whole depressed miserable existence again, hurting Jensen in the process. Added to that there was the whole SamDean issue.

 

Offering himself on a plate did actually start as a strong contender in the how to show Jensen he was wanted pile, but after picking the idea apart it was clear that it would just look like a charity fuck, and Jared wanted to find a way to reinforce friendship not just offer sex. 

 

The problem was every day he was back with Jensen, Jared was getting more and more into the idea of experimentation with Jensen, he had incredibly strong feelings for the older man, and he knew himself that, in amongst love and friendship, quite clearly sat a very special kind of lust. Who wouldn’t feel that? Anyone with an ounce of soul would find Jensen gorgeous Ackles very enticing, and Sandy had been right, Jared had indeed had male partners in the past, love was love in his eyes. 

 

So what was stopping him now? Jensen’s heart, that was what, Jensen’s pride. If it had been anyone but Jensen, maybe he would have tested the waters, but once he gave in to his lust for Jensen he wondered if he would ever be able to pull back. Would it end up like Sandy, where he was with someone because it seemed right, not because it actually was right? 

 

Just. Tonight. Tonight as Jensen spoke honestly, Jared for a millisecond wanted to lean over and kiss Jensen. Was that because Jensen was there, available, agreeable, ready? Would any person, male or female, here with Jared this thanksgiving weekend be as tempting to Jared's pathetic love starved soul?

 

No answers, which is what led to no sleep, which is what sent him out, Sadie following, to grab a drink and some quiet sofa time with his book. Which ultimately is what sent him to the very person he should maybe have avoided when he was still coming to a decision in his head.

 

Jensen looked up as Jared walked in to the sitting room, book in hand. He quirked an eyebrow and smiled softly, lifting the corner of the blanket that covered him.

 

“S’cold Jay” he muttered, and with no other words spoken, Jared settled himself under the blanket next to Jensen and found the last page he had been reading in his book, losing himself in story, well ... pretending to lose himself in story.

 

He did this for a good ten minutes, shifting under the blanket, his thigh against Jensen, then not, then back again, his fingers alternately curling into the blanket and tapping on the book.

 

“Jay” Jensen said softly, bumping his shoulder against the younger man. Jared looked at him, his eyes unfocused

 

“Mmm?” he said blinking at the grittiness in his tired eyes.

 

“What’s wrong? You are like a kid told to sit still, all wriggly and touchy”

 

“M’sorry Jen, I …” Jared put the book down, bending the spine, even though he hated doing that normally “… I have been kind of thinking about stuff”

 

”Stuff. Hmm, eloquent much?”

 

“Yeah, stuff…”Jared agreed wryly, “Like, did I ever tell you I had a couple of boyfriends when I was on Gilmore Girls?” Jared swallowed nervously looking into chips of jade glass as Jensen stared at him like he couldn't believe what he just heard.

 

“No ..." Jensen began carefully "... that rather interesting fact hasn’t been passed to me that I remember” his stunned friend said.

 

“You want who you want, I’ve never hidden it, it’s just Sandy was kind of a permanent fixture by the time I came into Supernatural and it kind of didn’t seem important”

 

“Not important” Jensen repeated, calmly, quietly. Jared looked at him nervously, Jensen had on his Dean face #5, menacing, intense, about to shoot something. Shit.

 

“I wasn’t keeping a secret … not really” Jared defended himself pathetically.

 

“Not important” Jensen said again, fixated on that one sentence.

 

Slowly he shook off the blanket, standing up and taking off his glasses placing them carefully on the side table. Jared scrambled to his feet, long limbs catching the blanket, giving him the appearance of a newborn colt. 

 

Jensen had that look, the look Jared had only seen maybe twice before, both times just before Jensen lost his temper, it was scary and a bit intense, eyes hard, mouth set in a tight line. Jared raised his hands in a placating gesture flinching as Jensen took a step towards him, and then dropped his hands with a sigh.

 

“You’re gonna hit me dude, I deserve it” and then screwing his eyes shut he braced himself for the punch. He sensed Jensen move into his space, knowing a punch was coming and waiting those milliseconds before it happened was excrutiatingly bad, but he refused to flinch.

 

And then.

 

And then Jensen grabbed him behind the head with both hands and kissed him, hard, brutal, punishing, teeth, hands, pressure, pain. Hands digging into long hair, twisting and pulling, pushing Jared back past the blankets to the wall, shoving Jared’s unresisting body flat against the hard surface, forcing his legs apart and laying his whole body against Jared’s, using his weight to anchor them as close as they could get wearing clothes. 

 

Jared was just along for the ride. As soon as Jensen touched him, his senses exploded and there was no time for rational thought, just raw feeling. Jeez, Jensen Ackles pushing him against a wall, high on temper, sucking, biting his way down Jared’s neck to his pulse point and leaving marks as he travelled. All Jared could do was whimper, no presence of mind to respond, Jensen’s name a litany of moans in his head. This was possibly the hottest thing he had ever experienced, never mind it was done in temper and distrust. 

 

Suddenly Jensen pulled back, resting his forehead against Jared’s neck briefly, his breathing hard and forced, his hands still twisted in Jared’s hair.

 

He bought his face up to look at Jared, who had his eyes shut,.

 

“Open your eyes Jay.” He commanded firmly, but if anything Jared screwed them tighter, trying to shake his head within Jensen’s iron grip “Jay, please open your eyes, look at me” Slowly, very slowly Jared opened his eyes to meet Jensen’s defeated face. Gently Jensen dropped a light kissed on bite swollen lips, following the kiss with a butterfly touch of his tongue as he tasted the metallic of blood on Jared’s lips.

 

“I’m not doing this angry.” Jensen said, a dead tone in his voice. “In fact I’m not sure you want me to do this at all” They were eye-to-eye, hazel meeting green, depths of feelings that Jared had never felt before reflected in Jensen’s dazed face.

 

“Jen…” he started softly and then he stopped, not sure what to say, perhaps talking was never going to work. He brought his hands up to rest on Jensen’s pushing gently, just a small move and Jensen eased his hold on Jared’s face.

 

“Jensen” was all he said before leaning forward slightly, resting his bruised lips against Jensen’s, just lightly, but with just enough pressure to make it a positive touch. “Are you still angry?” he whispered against the older man’s skin. 

 

Jensen shook his head slowly, “No I’m not angry, Jared, I can never stay angry at you, even when you are a huge idiot”

 

“So can we do some more kissing” Jared smiled hopefully, moving his hands to rest on Jensen’s lower back pulling him close in tight, rubbing his hard dick against Jensens, looking for purchase, for feeling. Jensen just groaned at the sensation.

 

“We still need to talk” Jensen said softly “I’m not losing our friendship for one night”

 

“Jen, no talking now, one night, every night, I think I want you any way I can have you, I’ve been…” he paused, pushing his hand up and under Jensen’s T-shirt, his hands touching soft warm skin “I’ve been so blind”


	9. Chapter 9

“I’ve been so blind” Jared repeated and pulled back from Jensen, pushing him away gently, and sliding down the wall until he was sat on the floor his arms wrapped around his legs. Jensen looked down worriedly before sitting on the floor opposite his friend and resting his hands on Jared’s knees.

 

“Not blind” Jensen started softly, hopefully.

 

“Why didn’t I see what was in front of me? What did I do to Sandy?”

 

“Jay, no”

 

”Yes, Jen, I used her, I used her” Jared grimaced; his chest tight. He rested his head on his knees his voice muffled. “Why didn’t I see what I really needed? What I really wanted?”

 

”Jay, you weren’t to know”

 

“But you were sure, you knew”

 

“You know now Jay, let’s take it slowly eh? Lets make it so we are both sure”

 

”I couldn’t be more sure Jen” Jared stated firmly.

 

“But Jay, turning from the posterboy for hetero broken hearted engaged guy to my lover in one day is a bit of a turnaround.” Jared mumbled something into his arms, that Jensen couldn’t hear, he pressed on regardless “I’m not sure I am ready to lay it all out there if you change your mind” Jensen finished simply.

 

Jared raised his head, his face tight with a strange kind of grief, how could he not have seen, not have understood?

 

Jensen looked into his tired eyes. “We need to sleep man” he reassured Jared, standing and making to pull Jared to his feet. Jared clambered up, using the wall for support, his legs wobbly and uncoordinated. “Bed” Jensen said simply” Jared nodded and allowed himself to be led to his bedroom where Jensen watched as he climbed into bed, the dogs snuffling happily around him. Tenderly Jensen dropped a kiss to Jared’s head, tucking the quilt around him. 

 

Jared looked at him “Are you not…”

 

“Sleep Jay, we’ll talk in the morning”

 

And then Jensen left the room pulling the door shut behind him before making his way to his own bed, a smile on his face.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jensen woke a few hours later to six four of puppy Padalecki bouncing enthusiastically on his bed.

 

“Up an at ‘em Ackles” he laughed exuberantly, Jensen tried to focus on his watch, but with no glasses or contacts it was difficult.

 

“S’time?” he mumbled almost incoherently

 

“9, times a wasting man, we got stuff to do today”

 

“Stuff” Enough with the word stuff.

 

“Hiking, kissing, talking, kissing … get up … shower … the kids are desperate to get out”

 

“Coffeee”

 

“M’kay, coffee in the kitchen, ten minutes man, ten minutes”

 

Jensen groaned under the covers, he was going to kill Jared, kill him, dead.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

They had been walking for nearly two hours and not much had been said about last night. Jared had stolen an enthusiastic kiss in the kitchen, but pulled back, grabbing two backpacks of food and drinks, and explaining they were heading for a special place. Jensen hoped the bags contained more than just candy, convinced Jared was enjoying torturing him.

 

Jared consulted a map, did something clever with a compass and strode confidently off the beaten track, Jensen following; assuming Jared knew where he was going. The air was crisp and refreshing but both men had long ago removed jackets as they kept up kind of a punishing pace. This wasn’t a hike, this was army training, Jensen decided wryly. The trees started to thin and as suddenly as they thinned the two men emerged on a stony outcrop, with views of the mountains and valley, and they both just stood.

 

“S’beautiful” Jared said in awe of the nature unfolding in front of them.

 

“Yeah” Jensen agreed, removing his pack and dropping it to the floor, moving closer to the edge of the rocky shelf, the dogs dropping in a panting heap on the floor.

 

“Not too close Jen” Jared said quickly, moving to Jensen’s side and holding his arm.

 

“I’m not gonna fall dude” Jensen pointed out reassuringly, leaning against Jared’s comfortingly solid frame and taking Jared’s hand in his. They stood for a long while, each lost in private thoughts.

 

For Jensen it was the first chance to really think about what had happened the night before. For Jared to come to a realisation that involved Jensen in his future just seemed too good to be true, something he had always imagined would never happen. Jared’s admittance of being with other men seemed to break something inside of Jensen, it was anger that had forced him to touch Jared, anger and sadness that was poured into the kisses. Then just hope as he realised what Jared was doing, what he was deciding, how much of a step he was taking. Sadness? Mostly because he wanted Jared, he had always wanted Jared, and now he was being handed Jared, but not free and clear. 

 

Jared was offering himself with attached guilt and angst ,and how could Jensen really trust what Jared was feeling. I mean didn’t Jared get engaged to Sandy without really knowing what he wanted, why would being attracted to Jensen be any different? He stole a glance at the tall strong man next to him from under his lashes, wondering what he was thinking. He was willing to fight for this, to talk, to overcome any and all obstacles, to give them a chance, if he really though that was what Jared wanted.

 

“What do you want?” Jensen asked suddenly, throwing the question at Jared, who looked down at him in surprise, blinking, getting himself out of thought mode and into doing mode.

 

“What do I want?” he answered thoughtfully

 

“Yeah, I mean, is this just a rebound thing, an experiment, cos I couldn’t be that Jared. I love you; I need to trust that this is what you want before I let this thing into my life.”

 

Jared stood quietly, moving closer to the older man, touching his face, learning the texture of it, the hardness of it. “Jen …” he began quietly, “I never once felt with Sandy the depth of emotion …” the want the need “… that I feel with you … for you”

 

“But you seemed happy Jay”

 

“I was happy, I had ticked all the boxes you know, beautiful wife, 2.4 kids, successful career, money, have the dogs, have the house, what else is there to make a man happy?” Jensen went to answer, but Jared forestalled his words by placing a single finger on Jensen’s lips “I was missing one thing, a really important thing, something so important that it makes the rest pale into comparison …” Wait, was Jared going to say something really cheesy, Jensen sighed inwardly waiting for the I was missing you part “…choice, I was missing choice. I didn’t choose all of the above, well apart from my dogs, all the rest of the stuff? That were expected of me” Jensen’s eyes widened, he wasn’t expecting something so real, so raw, from the Jared he knew and loved.

 

“So now what? You have this choice?”

 

”Yeah, I have choice, I’ve had it with doing what I think is right because it is expected, I want to have a life where I am happy with the person I choose to spend the rest of my life with.”

 

“okaaaay” Jensen said, wondering what was going to be said next, “And you choose?”

 

“You. Jensen Ackles. I choose you, if you think we can work through all of this shit and move forward”

 

”It wont be easy Jared”

 

”I never said I choose easy, if that was true I’d still be with Sandy, I said I choose you, I love- ”

 

“Jared can I say something here?” Jensen interrupted swiftly

 

“Yeah…” Jared sounded doubtful, as if he somehow expected the worse.

 

“I’ve loved you since almost the first day I saw you. I have never doubted my love for you, my need for you, I haven’t had one day when I felt I would change my mind, I was just marking time until Supernatural finished and I could get some time away from you to breath, to try and sort myself out. I haven’t wavered, can you promise me one thing Jay, just one thing, don’t say you love me until you think it is going to be for ever?” Jared looked sad, it was his nature to jump to quick decisions, to lead with his heart, to blurt out his feelings, maybe what Jensen was asking was going to be too much? How was he going to stop himself? But if it was what Jensen wanted, and it meant they could concentrate on learning each other and being a couple then he was ready to do what Jensen asked.

 

“I can do that Jensen.” He said quietly.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

They say propped up by the rocks just chilling, relaxing, watching the view, commenting on small things, like the beauty they could see, how they were feeling, tired, exhausted, happy, scared. It was comfortable and relaxed and just two friends shooting the breeze. They talked at length about Sam and Dean. Jared was really getting his teeth into Sam, loved that Sam was getting darker, dealing with his guilt over failing Dean, searching for answers. Jensen admitted that he liked Sam getting darker as a) it meant am actually got to wear a leather jacket for a change and b) he looked damned hot all demonic and hard. 

 

Jared then pointed out that Jensen needed to get over it because, Jared had spent three seasons looked at Jensen’s ass in tight jeans and his fit body in a variety of hard jackets, and the rush of realisation of what he could have been doing in those three years had hit him.

 

Dean had confusions of his own, the search for his miraculous escape (or release) from hell taxing and deep. It was starting to unfold now as they had moved into filming the episodes to be aired post Christmas, the tenuous hold on reality that Dean had, the slide into Sam using his powers that was causing stress in the brother’s relationship. The fact that the next episode was written by Sera, well that just piled on the emotional pressure, to an already angst ridden few episodes. They slipped into character as they ate lunch, testing snarky dialogue, moving through a typical Supernatural season, ending up in revealing the great Winchester incestuous relationship as a finale showdown. 

 

Then they laughed, rolled onto their backs and just laughed, and it was good.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Dinner finished the two men took up position on the sofa, both with books, the blanket back in place. This was their last night; they planned on leaving for Vancouver around three the next afternoon, and they just sat, touching and stroking and cuddling. Neither of them pushed for anymore. They exchanged lazy searching kisses and touches that were new and just exactly right. Both had dropped their books and Jared had pulled Jensen into his side “M’not a girl” Jensen had grumbled briefly and then sighed, relaxing into Jared’s full body hug. Tilting Jensen’s head Jared captured his soft lips in a gentle kiss and Jensen shifted lightly opening his mouth and running the tip of his tongue over Jareds still split lip. The younger man encouraged Jensen to kiss deeply and move subtly so he sat straddling Jared’s lap, they were both hard but neither wanted to take it further than just kissing and rubbing, Jensen pushing down in Jared’s lap, their hands tangling as they searched for an anchor. They kissed for hours, nibbles and sucks to long necks, gentle kisses to smattered freckles, marking, laughing at what makeup would say the next day. Admitting people on set would know, wondering at how that would play out, would it get out, would people actually be interested in them enough to care, how would it affect the season, were they going to go public? 

 

So many questions, punctuated by kisses and strokes and pulls. It was Jared who pushed it the next step further, shifting himself slightly until he could slide a hand between them, teasing at the waistband of Jensen’s boxers, pulling back looking Jensen in the eyes and asking. Jensen’s reply was to lift slightly so Jared’s hand could slip inside the boxers, finally closing around him, moving his hand, swallowing Jensen’s moan in a wet and messy kiss.

 

He twisted his hand experimentally, running his fingers over the tip, feeling the heat and the wet, the hardness. Jensen gasped into Jared’s mouth, moving imperceptibly, his eyes tight shut, Jared continued moving his hand, twisting on the upsweep, tightening his hold.

 

Jensen was lost, the kisses were hot and Jared sucked on his lip, biting gently and soothing the bite with the tip of his tongue, whispering nonsense into his groans, moving his jeez big hand, pulling him so close to the edge with just his clever fingers. Jensen spoke, he knew he did, he was sure he told Jared he loved him, was sure Jared had heard as Jensen felt his orgasm building, and pulling back he opened his eyes, moving against Jared’s hand, losing it in a rush of hot wet heat and kissing, just kissing, frantically holding the feelings of orgasm tight in his head, his body boneless, slumped hard against Jared. 

 

They said nothing as Jared pushed himself against Jensen, losing his own grip on reality, coming hard and quick in his boxers in as many seconds.

 

“So hot” Jensen whispered, still slumped over his lovers hard body, hot and sweaty and kinda sticky now.

 

“Shower” was Jared’s comeback and for the hundredth time that day they laughed.


	10. Chapter 10

They spent the rest of the last day just lazing about and reading. They hadn’t gone any further last night, even showering separately, but did share Jared’s bed for the night, just laying, touching, kissing and talking. Talking about everything from childhood events to Sandy. They both found sleep sometime around three in the morning and neither woke until Sadie and Harley reminded them that ten was a bit late for letting them out. 

 

 

It was actually Jensen who got up with them, Jared having informed him it was his turn, Jensen was at the back door in boxers yawing widely and thinking of coffee, by the time he realised he been done. He stalked back into the bedroom, placing chilled hands on Jared’s naked skin

 

“My turn?” he said menacingly “we don’t have turns, they are your dogs”

 

”But you fell for it Jen” Jared laughed from under the covers, which were instantly ripped from him much to his disgust. Jensen slipped back under the covers and rolled himself up like a hot dog in a bun, taking all the covers. 

 

“Jen” Jared whined, trying to pull back covers

 

“That is a kinda girly whine dude. Coffee”

 

“Coffee?”

 

”Coffee … you owe me … and toast”

 

Jared grumbled under his breath, hopping from one foot to the other on the cold floor and sending sulky looks at an incredibly comfortable looking Jensen.

 

The dogs were sat at the back door, with mournful breakfast now looks in expressive brown eyes, Jared let them in, starting coffee and then spending time petting Harley and Sadie. Coffee finished and dogs fed, he popped toast and poured the coffee into heavy mugs, the first whiff of caffeine making it’s way to the bedroom. Jensen sniffed the air appreciatively as Jared slid back on to the bed two mugs of coffee in his left hand and a plate of toast in the other. 

 

Jensen levered himself up and with a small smile pushed some of the covers towards Jared “Don’t get cold now” he smirked.

 

“Ha ha” Jared returned, not quite awake enough to think of a witty rejoinder ,so ending up just huffing and sipping his coffee, burning his mouth in the process, coughing and spluttering and causing Jensen to start laughing at him. Again.

 

To Jensen it seemed like they haven’t stopped laughing in hours and he was coherent enough to comment on this to Jared

 

“You make me laugh Jay.” Jared looked a bit hurt and faked a sad expression looking at Jensen through long floppy bed hair. “Enough with the puppy eyes.” He laughed “It was a complement you idiot, I have never been with anyone who makes me laugh quite so much, even before we started with the kissing and the …” Jensen couldn’t think of a word to describe what they were doing

 

“Humping?” Jared offered helpfully, causing Jensen to snort again. Jared just smiled, relaxing back against the headboard, munching toast and comfortably resting his chilled feet on Jensen’s warm legs. 

 

“Jeez man you are an ice block” Jensen grumbled, fighting Jared for the last piece of toast, a battle neither won as the toast went flying and was caught rather expertly by an alert Sadie. The two men just looked at each other incredulous … god that dog was fast.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

The journey back to Jared’s house was quiet. But quiet in a comfortable way, music on low in the background and the evening drawing in, wrapping them in comfortable warmth and darkness. Jensen did most of the driving on the way back, Jared offered but some small part of Jensen felt like he wanted to assert the ownership of his truck. In this relationship he knew what would happen. They would end up mostly at Jared’s. Understandable given the fact that the dogs were there and Jared’s place was bigger. It had a yard, was comfortable and like a second home to Jensen, in fact he should think about moving some stuff over to … Shit, they’d only just got together yesterday what the hell was he thinking … he tightened his hands on the wheel, the knuckles whitening, his breath shallow and kind of panicked as his heart lodged in his throat.

 

“Jens” When did Jared add that 's' to the end of Jen? God it sounded so personal, no one had ever called him that before, “What’s wrong?” What’s wrong, I’m heading into a panic attack that’s what wrong “Jen, Jensen, stop the car” He did, he pulled over to the next layby they came to and sat staring a the wheel.

 

“Jen, you OK? You went white?”

 

”I … I’m fine”

 

”Well you don’t look fine”

 

”Seriously Jay, I’m fine, I just looked …” Jensen paused, knocking his head three times on the steering wheel and groaning softly.

 

“Looked at what Jen? What did you see? What’s up, you are scaring me”

 

“I looked into the future, the next days, weeks, years…”

 

“And it scared you?” Jared seemed subdued and sad. If thinking about a future with Jared made Jen look so ill, then shit, how were they actually going to handle the future? Jared’s stomach fell. Jensen was changing his mind, the closer they got to Vancouver, the further away from the idyll that had been the thanksgiving break, the more Jensen was allowing reality was driving a wedge between them.

 

“Jensen … please” Jared pleaded

 

“Where will we … what will we …” How will we handle this?

 

“One day at a time Jens, we’ll take it one day at a time, no one needs to know, we live apart, we date, do it properly”

 

”But I kind of live at your house anyway”

 

“So nothing changes?”

 

”But it has to change. I want edgy, I want exciting, I want the new, I don’t want it to be finished and bang we’re living with each other, getting into each others space, pissing each other off, finishing” Jared snorted inelegantly causing Jensen to look over at him.

 

“So we’ll have edgy, exciting and new, we’ll work at it, and for gods sake Jen, I want to be with you for the rest of my life, so enough with the finishing OK?” Thankfully colour was coming back into Jensen’s face. He nodded.

 

“I’m OK …” he said softly, “… sorry, I don’t know where that one came from”

 

“From somewhere it needs to go back to” Jared stated confidently, he could show this strong man exactly what forever was like.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

The episode filming for the few weeks to Christmas was frantic and tight. They had wrapped the first two episodes of the spring part of the season and were both feeling very proud of themselves. They had slipped back into the routine of Jensen staying at Jared’s, but this time they shared Jared’s bed discovering new and interesting ways of making out but never going any further. They hadn’t even exchanged blowjobs, which was the next stage in Jared’s plan to never let Jensen go. 

 

One week to Christmas and he had something to talk to Jensen about this evening. The set was closed down, secret Santa gifts exchanged, another jar of fake mole removing cream, he sensed a conspiracy. They were both due in Texas for a couple of days, separate families, separate cities, Harley and Sadie staying with dog sitter, and Jared was not happy. It may only be four days but in Jared’s book that was four days too long to be separated.

 

“So…” he started casually as they settled down in their usual sofa spots nursing beer and dialling a game “I had this idea Jen”

 

”Uh huh?” Jen was distracted by the fact that Harley seemed to be eating one of his socks and he had wrestled with him for a good minute before consigning the sock to sock-heaven.

 

“Christmas, dude, it sucks.” Jensen frowned as he finally listened to what Jared was saying.

 

“You love Christmas” It was true. Christmas plus hyperactive puppy Jared was a win-win situation by all accounts.

 

“Yeah I do, but it is like four days, four whole days and five nights apart”

 

“We’ll be together for new year…” Jensen offered helpfully, although inside he was just as gutted. Despite not wanting total reliance on each other ,Jared had made quite a big hole in Jensen’s life that only the big idiot could now fill.

 

“What if we can do Christmas and new year? Maybe spend the whole time in Texas, two weeks, take the dogs and drive down.”

 

“Spend it together”

 

”Yeah, Christmas at your parent’s house, new years at my parents? The other way round? I dunno, what do you think?”

 

“Jay” Jensen was going to be the voice of reason here “Do your parents know that you like men as well as girls? Do they know that you are in a relationship with a man?” 

 

Jared had the grace to blush.

 

“I told them last night when you were filming those body switch scenes with Jim”

 

“Jeez Jay, warn a guy”

 

“No, it was cool, mom and dad are cool, Megan was there, she reckoned she knew from watching the new season start, go figure”

 

“What did they actually say”

 

“Not a lot, and that is the point, mom started organising an upgrade on my single bed”

 

Jensen spluttered “Seriously?”

 

“Seriously. They adore you man, they always have, my Mom said she would love us to stay over new year.”

 

“God, what if they had not taken it so well, what if - ”

 

“No what if’s Jen, my family know I am in a committed relationship with you and they totally support it”

 

”So Jeff isn’t gonna kill me”

 

”I don’t imagine so”

 

“Good to know”

 

“So Jen, do your mom and dad know about us”

 

“I want to be honest with you … I haven’t told them yet.” Jared looked a bit hurt suck it up he must have had his reasons.

 

“Not because I am hiding it, or ashamed or any crap that is going through your head at the moment Jay. They worry about me, and you were kind of engaged 10 months ago .. to a woman … they would be kinda …”

 

“... confused, worried I was on the rebound”

 

“Yeah I suppose”

 

“So this isn’t a good idea then?” There was a small element of sadness in Jared’s voice, but Jensen could see he was trying hard to hide it and it made him smile. Moving quickly on the couch he straddled Jared’s lap, dropping a light kiss on his lips.

 

“I’ll phone them in the morning” he said simply and lost himself in Jared’s blinding smile. He leaned in to Jared, tracing the path from his collar bone to that point just behind his ear that drove him mad, nibbling and biting and soothing with hot kisses. Jared bending his head back giving Jensen full access to the long line of his neck.

 

“You are my lover and I want everyone important to know” he whispered urgently against heated skin, Jared hearing the words and guiding Jensen’s mouth to his.

 

“Lover…” he mused softly, “…that word sounds good”

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

The 22nd found the two men plus two dogs in Jensen’s truck, heading South. They took turns in driving, stayed overnight in a SamDean no-tell motel, and had breaks to walk the dogs, ending up on Jensen’s parent’s doorstep at 9pm on Christmas Eve.

 

Jared was blown away, they pulled him in, as much a member of their family as he had always been, no awkward silences, no warnings, nothing. Just Jared Padalecki, their sons best friend, and now boyfriend, as welcome as he ever was in the Ackles house.

 

They stayed until the 28th, exploring Richardson and Dallas, Jensen showing him old schools, houses, the hotel where he did his first modeling job. It was an intense few days and when they left Jared felt sadness at leaving, only the knowledge that he was seeing his family next, taking the edge off of it.

 

It was only about four and a half hours direct down to San Antonio, but they decided to detour and ended up staying in a dog friendly hotel half way between, kind of catching their breath. That was the night that it happened.

 

The room had a large bathroom and Jared bribed the dogs in to it with treats and bowls of water just as Jensen returned to the room with a bucket of ice for the beers.

 

“What you doing man” Jensen asked curiously.

 

“I don’t want them watching” Jared said earnestly, taking the bucket from Jensen and placing the beers carefully into the cold container, the ice crunching and cracking at the change in temperature against the bottles.

 

“Watching what?”

 

“Stuff”

 

”Enough with the stuff man” Jensen teased good naturedly, Jensen pushed him and the back of his knees caught the bed causing him to tumble flat.

 

“All the kissing and the biting and the sucking” Jared stated clearly as he kneeled next to Jensen’s body on the bed, a predatory gleam in his eyes, leaning down and unlacing the older man’s boots, somehow shedding his own jeans in the process. Jensen watched, helping Jared to ease down his own jeans, until they were both there in boxers, Jensen laying flat, Jared straddling him. Carefully Jared covered Jensen’s hands with his own, leaning down and dropping soft butterfly kisses to each golden freckle he could find.

 

“I only ever did the kissing and the humping with the other two guys” he whispered against Jensen’s skin “ I want to taste you Jen, but you are gonna have to tell me what I do” Jensen couldn’t form words, incoherent, when Jared had said that he had been with two other men he’d thought that ….

 

“Jeez Jared” was all he could manage to start with, then he managed to add “whatever you like, I can kinda guarantee I will like too” but that was lost in a long drawn out groan as Jared pushed his boxers down and sat looking at him. Long brown fingers of one hand wrapped around him, Jensen so hard he thought he was going to come there and then just from the intensity in Jared’s eyes. 

 

Slowly Jared started to kiss from Jensen’s neck down, still moving gently on Jensen, stopping every now and then to run fingers over the tip, quick touches and twists that were seriously mind blowing. Jared stopped his journey momentarily, at one nipple then the other, nipping and pulling, making them painfully hard and then blowing gently on them, Jensen pushing up into his mouth, almost groaning as those hot lips left his sensitive chest to trail down to his hipbones, one of Jared’s hands grasping almost painfully on his hip, the other hand still wrapped close round him, moving subtly, carefully, slowly. 

 

Jared took time, kissing and sucking soft red blood bruises along his lover’s hip bone, feeling the hard line and the tight muscles of his stomach, moving his tongue and his lips down, further down, his hair whispering where his hand was. 

 

He stopped momentarily, his eyes going to Jensen’s almost asking for permission and then his clever mouth was there, taking him in, pulling him, hollowing his cheeks. With an involuntary reflex Jensen arched up, but he whined in frustration when Jared pushed on his hip, holding him down. Jared had no rhythm, he had no finesse, it was his first blowjob, but jeez it was hot and wet and the pressure, the pressure was building slowly and steadily, and when he took his mouth away to concentrate on sucking a mark into Jensen’s inner thigh Jensen was cursing him.

 

“Jay, Jay, you can’t stop, I

 

“Shhhhh” and then his mobile moving mouth was there again, taking him down, sucking, licking a strip from base to tip, using his lithe clever fingers where his mouth couldn’t reach. The noises he was making god the noises were incoherent and muffled and wet and that combined with the sensations from his lips and tongue, sent Jensen upwards, outwards, tightening to coming.

 

“Jay, I …”

 

Jared pulled off with a lewd moan, jacking slowly with tight fingers, his eyes on Jensen’s gorgeous face as his orgasm hit him, the muscles in his neck straining as he desperately tried to form coherent words and he comes hot and wet over his stomach and Jared’s hands, sliding bonelessly into a kind of semi consciousness.

 

So that is how it happened, that is how it started, Jensen unconscious, Jared jacking himself to completion after three strokes, already so close at seeing Jensen losing it under his control. Given Jensen’s lack of being awake, Jared took care of clean up and climbing back into bed pulled his comatose lover into his arms, resting his head on his chest and curling around him, inhaling the smell of his skin and closing his eyes.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

They arrived at Jared’s parents house a little after 2 in the afternoon and were met by the entire family standing at the door. Jensen took one look and groaned as he saw Jeff standing there, his arms folded, Jared smirked.

 

“Did Josh kill me when he heard you were with me?” he asked smiling

 

“No, Josh loves ya … oh I see … well I don’t wanna think that Jeff thinks I took advantage, being older and you being vulnerable after the breakup and that”

 

“That is going to be the last thing on his mind. And what do you mean older? Like 4 years is nothing”

 

”Hmmm”

 

“Come on old man, lets go”

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

New year rolled around and after phoning his family from the garden staring up at the Texas sky Jensen returned to the sitting room where he was immediately pulled into a very enthusiastic energetic game of twister. After collapsing on top of Jared twice, kind of on purpose, he excused himself to drink beer and watch the Padalecki siblings fighting over hands and feet and colours. Half way through the game he felt the settee next to him depress and turned to find Jerry sat there with a beer in his hand and a somewhat serious expression on his face. Jensen smiled tentatively, this was it … this was the lecture.

 

“So Jen, what are the chances of season 5 then, JT tells us nothing” Jensen looked back astonished, searching for words to answer the question.

 

“Erm...” he started “…they don’t really tell us much, we’re usually the last to know … but I guess chances are good, our ratings are getting higher each week”

 

”We noticed, we’re very proud of both of you, you work hard”

 

“Thank you, we enjoy it, it’s a good show”

 

”Have you given any thought to what you are doing post Supernatural” 

 

“No, not really, guess it depends on what Jay wants to do, see if maybe we can work in the same area” and then he realised what he had given away, what he had said himself, that his long term plans included Jared, and that was kind of scary.

 

Jerry just smiled that fatherly indulgent smile and slapped Jensen on the knee

 

“Good to have you in the family Jensen”

 

“Thank you”

 

”Beer?”

 

“Yes please” Jared chose that moment to creep up behind Jensen laying arms around his neck and nuzzling behind his ear, Jensen leaned back capturing Jared’s lips in a fairly tame kiss.

 

“Get a room guys” this from Megan, riding high with triumphant glee after winning the game.

 

“You’re just jealous” Jared smirked, leaning down for another kiss as the countdown towards midnight began.


	11. Chapter 11

The fact that he had said to Jared’s father that he wanted to see what Jared was doing, before they made a decision together about their future, was telling. 

 

He wasn’t the kind to worry about the future now; part of him wanted some downtime anyway, and would actually welcome a break. Jared on the other hand, despite appearances, did get concerned when he didn’t have work lined up. They would need to talk about the future as and when they knew about season 5, if they were still together. 

 

He thought long and hard as they drove through the night, he wanted to be together, to be able to make decisions together, he wanted forever. Jared still hadn’t said I love you, was obviously still not in a place where he wanted to commit, and Jensen was trying very hard to be relaxed and patient. It was his own fault, he was the one who had issued the rules.

 

Jared on the other hand was sitting in the passenger seat and cursing the fact that he was a complete coward. He had so many opportunities to say I love you over Christmas and New Year, but every time he went to say it, Jensen would look at him, his soul in his green eyes, and Jared changed the subject. He did love him, wanted nothing more than to be with him, he just wanted to tell him at the most perfect moment he could find. Where the words were not laced with doubt, or fear or worry, or caught up in the happiness of the season.

 

They made it back to Vancouver two days before they were due back on set, they only had 10 weeks left on Supernatural and it was turning out to be the hardest 10 weeks they had ever had. They weren’t keeping their relationship secret as such, but they didn’t flirt and they didn’t make it obvious. They had told key people, all of whom shrugged it off, two of whom grimaced because they had chosen the summer hiatus in the crew sweepstake, and Kripke who just warned them to hold their heads up high, keep each other sane and just keep on doing what they were doing because it looked good on film.

 

Exhaustion was their bed partner and time alone was preciously horded. It was Jensen who finally, after 5 weeks of almost non-stop filming approached Kripke with a request, just two days off, one night, two days. Jared was really riding the bus to a complete melt down, his scenes in this episode physically intensive and emotionally demanding. Kripke agreed almost immediately, neither Jared nor Jensen ever whined and demanded days off, so when they needed them they generally got them, he added an extra day just to be on the safe side. 

 

Jensen bounced back to Jared’s trailer three days off, three days off, bursting in, finding his boyfriend lying back on the bed snoring, one boot on, one off, as if he now slept where he had fallen. Jensen didn’t want to disturb him, just got straight on to the dog sitter who instantly agreed to have the dogs, and the cabin owner who instantly assured him it was currently empty. He paid extra for food, toiletries and other essential items that made him blush to ask for, to be delivered, remembered beer. Done.

 

Pulling at Jared he managed to get his incoherent lover’s boot back on, draped his jacket over him, picked up his cell and his Ipod and manhandled him out of his trailer, encouraging Jared to his truck. All the while Jared was groaning and mumbling at his inconsiderate friend, before slumping into the seat fairly unconscious. Jensen ran back for the spare clothes they kept in their respective trailers, remembered to grab his cell charger and locked the doors behind him. Sorted.

 

They arrived at the cabin in record time and Jared woke up as they arrived. It was dark but he recognised where they were and blinked confused. 

 

“Sleep Jay, we need sleep” Jensen said tiredly, and giving Jared one of the bags, guided the taller man in through the unlocked door and to the larger room, undressing him like he would a child and getting him to lay back under the covers. Jared was asleep again before Jensen could say goodnight. He wondered out to the kitchen, putting away the groceries and putting the toiletries in the bathroom. Reaching into a separate bag he pulled out the bottle he had asked for and smiled, embarrassing to ask for but useful to have. Then, after locking the door and checking the windows he undressed and climbed into bed with Jared, curling up against his hot water bottle lover and sighing contentedly, asleep in minutes.

 

There was no alarm, no dogs, no knocks on the door, no mail, nothing except waking from a long sleep naturally and Jared felt disorientated. The only familiar thing was waking wrapped around Jensen, something he had got very used too over the last few months. He nuzzled into his neck, too warm to even think of moving, and Jensen stirred, stretching against Jared and yawning widely.

 

“Teeth brushing” Jensen urged and the two of them tumbled out of bed with the quickest brushing of teeth ever before climbing back under the covers resuming the positions they had just left.

 

“What happened dude?” Jared asked

 

“We need a break so I kidnapped you”

 

“Thanks Jen” Jared smiled leaning over and lazily kissing Jensen “How long we got?”

 

”I wanted two, I got three”

 

“Three days”

 

“We need to be back Sun”

 

“Oh. My. God. I love Eric” Jared moaned softly as he pulled Jensen in closer

 

“So we can spend the whole day in bed”

 

”Mmmm”

 

“And make love”

 

”Mmmm …. really?” Jared lifted his head.

 

“We’ve been together a long time now, and we’ve held off for so long Jay”

 

“Yes” Jared said hoarsely as Jensen's reached under his pillow pulling out the small jar. Jared’s eyes widened, “You really had this planned” he added.

 

"Are you ready for - " Jensen started to ask, his eyes carefully blank

 

"I’m ready " For their first time.

 

"I want you to make love to me Jared”

 

“Jeez Jens are you sure, I don’t know – “

 

Jensen blushed “Yeah I’m sure”

 

Jared's heart climbed into his throat and he leaned into Jensen, his tongue searching and insistent as Jensen opened to him and they kissed, hot, wet and messy.

 

It wasn't Jensen's first time as a bottom but it was Jared’s first time at anything … what if I screw this up? What if it is awful for Jen? What if I hurt him?

 

Their first time together and Jared wanted to make the experience perfect and hot, but he really didn’t know the intricacies of this.

 

”I love you Jay” Jensen murmured quietly, so quietly Jared had to strain to hear. Now was the time to say it back.

 

“Jen I - ” But Jensen swallowed what he was going to say and everything went to hell.

 

They kissed and kissed until air had to be sucked in using frantic lungs, kisses, trailing down warm skin, hands feeling and touching. Jared concentrated on Jensen’s hip bone, loving the one freckle that marked the spot that could drive Jensen out of his mind. He sucked a mark of ownership into the tight stretched skin mine, and Jensen arched off the bed murmuring incoherently, biting his lip with his teeth, willing Jared to move.

 

“Tell me what to do Jens, tell me how it is that I won’t hurt you” Jensen groaned at Jared’s plea, so close, pulling him up his body, sucking Jared’s fingers into his hot wet mouth

 

“You need to stretch me” He licked around Jared’s hands, the taste of him, salty and warm, his own hands opening the tube. He squeezed a good amount onto Jared’s hands slick with his sucking. “Move down” he commanded firmly. “Suck me Jared, suck me, and reach - ” He lost the power of speech as Jared did just that, swallowing him down, licking and nibbling, both hands going behind, slicked and ready, feeling, pushing, breaching, he added another finger, scissoring and feeling, curling to touch inside, causing Jensen to twitch, pushing him further into Jared’s mouth, he wanted to apologise, wanted to say sorry , but Jared didn’t complain, just swallowed him further, concentrating on getting him ready.

 

Jared loved the noises coming from Jensen, lewd, groans and moans, and his body moving insistently against his fingers, sinuous and graceful and so hot.

 

“Jay, I’m ready, please” he pleaded

 

“Condoms Jen” his lover said

 

“No Jay, I want you inside me”

 

“I’m clean” Jared assured him, Jensen laughed low in his throat

 

“I know, I wanna feel”

 

Jared seperated him, pulling his fingers out, eyeing his huge hard size and wondering how it was gonna…

 

“Stop thinking Jay … in”

 

Jared positioned himself and gently started to push against his lover's body, overcome with lust and want and need as he began to slip in, pulled into the tight dark heat. Jensen gasped and arched as Jared pushed in further and then he stilled, Jensen would surely need time to adjust, and waiting for Jensen to tell him it was OK. Jensen took a few deep breaths, the burn starting to subside.

 

"Move" he breathed softly, opening green eyes and staring into hazel “Move” and Jared did, he moved, he angled his push, he listened as Jensen gasped and moaned, reading him for the best angle, reaching between them and grasping Jen, pulling and twisting on the upstroke, Jensen becoming confused and heated in his pleas for more. Jared could feel the orgasm building inside him, dark and deep and desperate.

 

“Jen, please I cant - ”

 

“Harder” Jensen forced out and Jay did as he was told as they both tumbled over the edge and collapsed panting and exhausted on the sheets.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

The season wrapped, the informal street hockey stood at eight games all and Jared's team was meeting in Jared’s trailer to talk tactics. Jensen looked at his lover indulgently; Jay took this all very seriously and was unofficial team captain. 

 

They had a good team of six, but had suffered at the start of season 4 when Andy, from lighting, had broken his wrist and sat out three games, otherwise, Jared had confidently predicted they would have wiped the floor with the opposing team, consisting mostly of sound guys, who in Jared’s opinion quite clearly cheated.

 

The team meeting over, they moved to the set street and started to play, people watching and choosing sides, cheering and booing when necessary, it was the last big thing before the wrap party and it was funny and exciting. Jensen played well but mostly in defense; a good position to admire six four of Padalecki on the attack, cut up and score. 

 

The scores were level, two minutes left, and Jared eyed Bill, Assistant Sound Engineer, nodding to the other teams defense line, easy pass to Jensen, back to him, over to Adam and that would be it, game over. Jared tensed, trying to second guess and watching for the pass, intercepting it with ease and passing it back to Jen a wide grinning smile on his face, oblivious to Bill, who flew onwards with momentum crashing into his side and causing Jared to flail to the floor.

 

It happened in slow motion, Jared collapsing against the curb, Bill falling on top of him, laughing hysterically, tumbles like this happened every day.

 

“M’sorry man” he said, pulling himself up and dusting himself off. Reaching down to help Jared to his feet, Jared reached up wincing and swearing. Something hurt and hurt bad. Jensen had by this time arrived at Jared’s side, laughing and joking with Bill, calling Jared a klutz. Jared looked up at Jensen, trying to form words round the fire that had started in his chest.

 

“Jen… I …” People slowly stopped laughing, Jared wasn’t pranking, he seemed hurt, Jen moved to his knees next to him

 

“Jay, have you broken something again man”

 

Jared remember looking into his beautiful green eyes, seeing worry, unable to talk, his hand at his throat, he was suffocating, could nobody see that. He gasped, no air, no air.

 

“Something is wrong” Jensen’s voice

 

“Someone call 911” Not Jensen’s voice, Jensen is pleading, touching, fire in my throat Jen, air. Darkness started to fall over his eyes and he felt strangely disassociated with the pain. 

 

“Jared, Jay, Jay, is there no one here yet” Jensen’s voice again … did we win Jen? Did we win?

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jensen was in shock; he had already phoned the Padaleckis with as much news as he had, Jared had been brought in unconscious and was now in a closed room in the ER. They said they’d leave straight away, try and get a flight.

 

“What the fuck” Jensen looked up, Tom, Tom was here. “Jensen what happened?” he sat next to Jensen putting an arm across the other man’s shoulders.

 

“Street hockey … we played … there was an accident … Jared fell over … I don’t know Tom, I don’t know.

 

“Who can I ask?” Tom said, taking charge

 

“No one .. they have nothing … they can’t …”

 

”Are you named as an emergency contact?” Tom interrupted

 

“Yeah”

 

“So they’ll tell you. You phoned his mom and dad”

 

”Yeah”

 

The door to the ER opened and Jensen stood, Tom supporting him.

 

“Are you here for Jared Padalecki?”

 

“Yes, I’m his, I’m his ….”

 

”He is the named emergency contact” Tom summarised “Jensen Ackles” The Doctor checked papers.

 

“Can I talk to you alone Mr Ackles”

 

“Jensen … Tom can you stay?” Tom nodded and the doctor took off his glasses rubbing the bridge of his nose between two fingers.

 

“Well Mr Padalecki has two broken ribs, caused by an awkward fall, one of the ribs fractured and it has punctured his left lung, causing it to deflate, we have managed to re-inflate it and we have strong hopes we can save the lung”

 

“Is he …” Jensen started, it was a stupid fall to a stupid pavement, how can it …

 

“The lung could collapse again, so we are keeping him under observation, if it does we’ll try again and fingers crossed - ”

 

“Fingers crossed!” Tom started, but Jensen stopped him

 

“No Tom, they’ll … do what they need to do…”

 

“Jen”

 

”Tom, can I get a coffee.” Tom looked uncertainly from the Doctor to Jensen and back again

 

”OK, I’ll be two minutes” He left and the Doctor turned to leave as well

 

“Can I see him?” Jensen asked

 

“You can, just you and just for a few minutes”

 

Jensen followed the doctor into the ER, stopping a door and waiting as the doctor spoke to him. “Don’t be scared by what you see, he is on a drip and we have a respirator helping to regulate his breathing” Jensen nodded, bracing himself for seeing Jared.

 

He didn’t cry, he didn’t shout, he just looked, touched Jared’s arm gently, and sighed at the life that just wasn’t there. He stayed until a nurse said he had to leave and then he returned to the waiting room, taking the coffee from Tom and slumping to the seat, saying nothing.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Jared’s parents arrived some time in the early morning, Megan and Jeff too. Jeff immediately pushed past the ER door and disappeared, nobody questioned it.

 

Sherry pulled Jensen into a hug, which felt awkward as surely he should be comforting her??

 

“Where is he Jensen?”

 

”In the ER still, under observation, they’re waiting to move him to a ward”

 

“Can you tell us what happened?” Megan asked, cuddling into Jensen’s side, he pulled her closer, squeezing her then releasing her. 

 

Pleading he looked at Tom, who stood to one side, handle this, tell them.

 

“There was an accident, they were …”

 

Tom’s voice faded as Jensen walked down the corridor to the men’s room, just grabbing five minutes alone. He walked into the first cubicle, shutting the door and locking it, putting the seat down and slumping to an awkward sit, his elbows on his knees, his head in his hands. He couldn’t catch his breath, couldn’t stop the thoughts of Jared dying because of a stupid game, but he couldn’t cry, he knew he was in shock, knew he should perhaps mention it to Jeff, maybe get a slap or something.

 

Then he snorted at the direction his thoughts were going, god how stupid am I being?

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jensen walked back, Jeff standing with the small group

 

“Jeff” he said simply “What did they say?”

 

”They are doing everything they can, he’s had the surgery he needed, I’ve spoken to the surgeon and I have nothing else I can add, honestly he is in good hands Jensen.

 

“OK, thanks” Sherri was sat with Jared’s dad, clutching his hand, and biting at her lower lip. Jerry just looked shell shocked, Jeff was pacing and Megan kept finding excuses to walk up and down the corridor. Tom was still sat there, ignoring Jensen’s suggestion that he go home and spending some time texting with a serious expression on his face, Jensen didn’t ask who he was texting, assuming he was letting Jared’s friends know what had happened.

 

”Sandy” he suddenly blurted out and Tom looked up “We need to let Sandy know” Jensen desperately needed something to do “I’ll phone her, I’ll tell her” he said in a confused jumble of words and flurry of hands and then he disappeared the same way Megan had just gone, clutching his cell. Sherri exchanged looks with Tom who just shrugged.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

The phone call was hard. A man had answered, Jensen assumed it Caleb, and quickly explained, waiting for Sandy to get to the phone

 

"Jensen? What’s up?"

 

“S’Jared, he’s been in a accident, he’s had surgery”

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jared was mending slowly, his lung hadn’t collapsed again, a good sign, and apparently he was on the difficult road to recovery, he had managed a few words to his parents, asking for Jensen.

 

Jensen walked into the room, where Jared lay, his eyes closed.

 

“Jay” he whispered close to his ear, smiling as Jared’s eyes flickered open. Jensen reached for Jared’s hand squeezing it gently.

 

“Jen” Jared’s voice was husky and low and Jensen had to strain to hear him

 

“Hey Jay, you had me worried..” Jared smiled, his eyes red and tired, his face pale. “You tired?” Jared moved his head, yes. Jensen sat leaning onto the bed, not letting go of Jared’s hand, and Jared tilted his head looking at Jensen.

 

He murmured something softly, Jensen leaned in touching Jared’s face gently.

 

“What?” he asked “What is it Jay? Do you need something” Jared shook his head, mouthing words, Jensen read his lips and smiled.

 

_I love you..._


	12. Chapter 12

Jared’s parents, Jeff and Jensen sat with the doctor in the relative’s room. Jensen would never know just how he could ever thank them for including him in the family circle and had never been happier of anything that Jeff was in the room to translate. Words flew round the room, words he had heard in episodes of ER way back when, and words that meant nothing. Words that Jeff and Jared’s doctors threw at each other, their voices increasingly more urgent as they discussed Jared’s case.

 

Cracked ribs take several months to recover … but Jared will certainly will feel much better in several weeks … deep breathing will be more difficult because it will inevitably hurt to take large, deep breaths … each time you inhale, the ribs move a bit, and that can be painful with broken ribs … simple pneumothorax of only one lung generally requires only rest; the break in the pleura usually heals quickly after collapse of the lung has taken place … shortness of breath is a common but not inevitable feature …

 

“When he is finally allowed out of hospital does he need to be near a doctor?” Jensen broke in. Both Jeff and the doctor turned to him and blinked - snapped out of their medical trances in seconds.

 

“The pain Jared is in is quite intense at the moment...” Jeff started carefully, realising perhaps he was leaving his family and Jensen behind in his eagerness to get to the bottom of things, “ … this can lead to reduced movement and cough suppression, this in turn can contribute to formation of a secondary chest infection, so he’ll need to stay on his meds and take it easy …” he paused again, watching as tears began to fall from his mom’s eyes, cursing for the first time ever that he was a doctor, wishing he didn’t know quite how bad Jared’s injury was, wishing it wasn’t his job to explain. “… He’ll struggle to use the arm and shoulder on the side where his broken ribs are … they are a seriously nagging misery until you rest them enough to let them start healing.” The doctor coughed and Jensen turned to him.

 

“Mr Ackles, what he needs is rest and the time to heal, but he will need regular checkups for progress and to check for infections.”

 

“Can you be honest with me, we have 8 weeks until we need to be filming again, is that going to be enough healing time?”

 

“All I can say is, no strenuous activity for the next couple of weeks, walking, gentle walking, just rest, no flying, and lots of positive thought”

 

“So you’re going to release him today?” Sherri asked her face a perpetual mask of worry, her hand tight in her husbands grasp.

 

”I don’t think I have a choice here, Mrs Padalecki, your son seems intent on signing himself out AMA … today.” Sherri exchanged worried looks with Jerry

 

Jensen sighed, he knew Jared well “Yeah, well he’s been here two days short of three weeks, I’d be going mad too.”

 

“There is a reason he’s been here Mr Ackles” the doctor defended himself quickly

 

“I know, I know, but you realise hospitals are singularly the worst places to recuperate” Jensen commented wryly, Jeff nodded in agreement, and Sherry was sat worrying her lip with her teeth

 

“And he can’t fly? Not at all?” she asked “I wanted to take him home”

 

“I wouldn’t recommend it for a few months, not until we have reviewed his progress”

 

Sherri looked at Jeff who sighed and nodded in agreement

 

“Mom, he needs to stay in Vancouver,” this started fresh tears. 

 

“I’ll look after him” Jensen suddenly announced firmly “I’ll find somewhere to take him, somewhere quiet, somewhere near here, if that is OK with y’all?” he looked directly at Jared’s parents who returned his look with frowns and worry.

 

“Are you sure Jensen?” Jeff asked quietly “This is not going to be an easy few weeks”

 

“I’m sure, he is my best friend, I wouldn’t have it any other way”

 

Jeff looked visibly relieved.

 

“I don’t know how we can thank you Jensen” Jeff said simply and Jensen blushed, ducking his head. “You’ll keep us informed?”

 

“On a daily, hourly, basis”

 

“And anything you don’t understand…?” Jeff prompted

 

“I’ll contact you straight away.” Everyone sat in silence.

 

“I’d better go in and explain to him.” Sherri said softly

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jensen had ten minutes with Jared to try and explain, when he got to his room he found grumpy Jared. So far today he had had wheedling Jared, whiny Jared, pathetic Jared, pleading Jared, a smattering of horny Jared and now it was obvious his lover was in grumpy Jared mode.

 

“Jen. Get. Me. Out. Of. Here.” He said slowly enunciating each word as if Jensen could understand no other way.

 

“You spoke to your mom?” Jensen asked crossing to his bed

 

”She said something about no flying, then she cried and then she left. What’s going on?”

 

”You, Mr Padalecki, are being released into my capable hands” Jensen smirked, leaning down and dropping a small kiss on Jared’s frowny grumpy face.

 

“I don’ wanna be smothered” Jared said in completely contrary fashion as he desperately grabbed hold of Jensen.

 

“The deal Jared is this … you come with me, I pack, you rest, and you read, we watch TV, you get better, we have sex.” Jared looked up hopefully

 

“Really?” he said almost eagerly.

 

“Jay, are you focusing on the sex bit?” Jensen asked frowning.

 

“Kinda” Jared pouted

 

“Well stop it now, no strenuous activities … two weeks OK?” Oh great, here comes whiny Jared, god help me

 

”Two weeks”

 

“Two weeks and then we could maybe try a bit of gentle kissing” Jensen said convincingly.

 

“Urggghh, kill me now” Jared returned, dropping his head back on his pillow and shutting his eyes, and then mumbling something else that sounded to Jensen like it may involve one or two choice uses of swearing and the words street and hockey.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

“I need to find somewhere fairly quiet and away from people but no more than ten minutes from the hospital” Jensen began irritably, moving the phone from one ear to the other, Tom was his last hope of knowing someone, who knew someone, who might know somewhere for Jensen and Jared to hole up for a while.

 

“I don’t know man, I mean there’s Mike’s place, we erm … use it … it’s fairly isolated from neighbours, surrounded by trees … no one knows we have … he has it … he’s not there at the moment, it’s empty …” Tom paused and Jensen could hear buttons being pressed on a cell, he listened intently as Tom had a conversation with who he guessed must be Mike, the sound was muffled and the conversation lasted no more than a minute before he came back on the phone to Jensen.

 

“Yeah, Mike says that is cool, I have a key, you wanna come and pick it up or shall I meet you there?”

 

“Shit Tom, that is great, can you meet us there this afternoon, text me the address, I’ll let you know when we are ten minutes out?”

 

”Sure thing Jen” and Tom rang off, leaving Jensen feeling as if a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

 

He waited for the discharge papers, the medical advice and the meds and then returned to the room with a wheelchair, where grumpy Jared had turned into get-me-the-fuck-out-of-here-now Jared. His friend was dressed in loose sweats and a baggy T-shirt just with one arm through, his hoodie on his lap, his face as pale as death, eyes bloodshot and exhausted, sitting on the edge of his bed ready to leave. Jensen just knew he had somehow got himself dressed to this point and could see the damage that small piece of exertion had done. 

 

Jensen wanted to shout at him, tell him he should have waited, but he didn’t, he looked at stubborn Jared and focused on the faint trembling in his lovers body and the pride he saw in Jared’s eyes at what he had managed and he stopped himself from shouting.

 

“We’re going now man, out the back way”

 

Jared looked confused “The back way?”

 

”Local reporters, got wind of it a while back and have kind of been shadowing me”

 

“That’s not a problem is it?”

 

”It is if we want total privacy where I am taking you”

 

”OK” Jared looked even more confused “Where is it you are taking me?”

 

”Mike has a place that - ” Jared made a sound that could have been a laugh but came out more as a choked groan, Jensen chose to ignore the strange noise and any bizarre reason it was made and concentrated on trying to get Jared into the wheelchair. Jensen was just thankful Tom would be there to help him in with Jared at the house, as the tall texan was almost a dead weight.

 

They managed it, but Jared looked close to passing out and so grey Jensen almost called a nurse. In fact he started to move away from Jared to do just that, but the younger man grabbed at his sleeve with his good hand and shook his head.

 

“M’fine” he mumbled his breath laboured and shallow. “Wanna go home” wherever home is.

 

They arrived at the house about an hour later, after a lot of swearing and Jared barely holding it together, determined, as he was, that he was leaving hospital, he managed to push through most of the pain. Tom was waiting, anxiously hopping from one foot to the other, relieved when he saw them arrive. He immediately moved round to Jared’s side, concerned and hovering, much to Jared’s delight. He had never seen Tom look so agitated before.

 

“Mike wanted to be here” Tom started “but filming - ”

 

“S’fine” Jared slurred, the heavy painkillers starting to kick in again. Tom looked at Jensen worriedly as he recognised the slurring for what it was.

 

“S’Ok” Jensen intervened, climbing out of his seat and rounding the truck to Jared and Tom “In about ten he’ll be unconscious so we need to get him in”

 

With no further words the two fit men helped, or rather carried, Jared into the house and to the bedroom which Tom had prepared by pulling back covers. They stood silently until Jared finally lost consciousness and then in unison pulled curtains, tucked in covers and then moved to the kitchen.

 

“I made coffee,” Tom said helpfully, Jensen almost groaned at the thought of real non-hospital coffee and jumped on it like a man addicted.

 

“Thanks man” he sighed appreciatively, wrapping large hands around the mug and sinking onto a chair at the table. Tom grabbed his own cup and sat down opposite Jensen, noting the fine lines of stress and worry around his friend's eyes and the pale grey pallor to his face.

 

“You look exhausted Jensen” Tom supplied helpfully, an edge of concern in his voice.

 

“Just been a long few weeks man, you know that” In fact Mike and Tom had been frequent visitors, spelling Jensen for a rest, which he outright refused to do.

 

“Jensen, you and Jared … you are …”

 

”Together, yeah” Jensen lifted an eyebrow, he thought everyone in their circle knew this

 

“Cool, we kinda knew but didn’t wanna make a point of knowing” Tom frowned at what he just said, “you know what I mean”

 

“Yeah”

 

“You have my cell, and Mikes, I’m around a lot more at the moment, cos … well I just am … I can be here within an hour if you need me”

 

”Thanks man”

 

”I mean it Jensen, don’t try and do this alone, Jay is like a big poorly kid, you might need help”

 

Jensen just smiled, yes, Jared is a big kid, he knew that, and he appreciated the offer of support from Tom “I wont try to do it all alone, I know where you are”

 

“I’ve gotta go back, but I er … I organised a delivery of groceries and shit, should be arriving around four” Jensen’s eyes widened, he hadn’t even thought of food or anything like that.

 

“Jeez Tom, I hadn’t even - ”

 

“Sorted then, I’ll come over tomorrow, Mike too if he can make it”

 

“Jared’s family are here this evening, wanting to say goodbye”

 

”Must be hard on them”

 

“Yeah, his mom wanted to take him back to Texas” Tom wasn’t sure, but was it just him or did Jensen sound lost at the thought of Jared being so far away?

 

“Good that you are here then man.” Tom said reassuringly and then pulling Jensen in for a quick hug he climbed in his car and left. Leaving Jared unconscious in one room and an exhausted Jensen asleep at the kitchen table.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Two weeks in and Jared was really going stir crazy, he was popping prescription painkillers like sweets, feeling a strange high as they hit his system and took the edge off of the pain. Jensen was doing his best but he was equally house bound and Jared’s frustration was starting to build to a point where only two things could happen; angry sex or a huge fight.

 

Given there was no chance of the sex, goddamit, a fight it would have to be, and Jared didn’t have to think long and hard enough to find a reason to fight.

 

“I can’t believe you told Sandy”

 

“Tom and Mike thought - ”

 

“Jeez Jen, don’t you think for yourself, why the fuck did you think it would be a good idea to bring Sandy back into my life?”

 

”Jay - ”

 

“For fucks sake, it’s not as if she needs to worry about me on top of the fact that I broke her fucking heart”

 

”Jared - “

 

“Just ... fuck you Jensen and your thinking you know what is best for me, and fuck you keeping me prisoner here, this is just all bullshit. What you wanna destroy us with your controlling-”

 

Jensen left, he just left, grabbed his keys, his cell and left. Jared shouting inane crap after him, not really meaning any of it.

 

He drove in circles, not really having much idea where he was going, he stopped for drive thru when his stomach told him to, he ignore his cell (seven missed calls from Jared, two from Tom), filled his car with gas, and kept driving until at last he felt like he wanted to go home.

 

He parked up outside the house and stopped for a while, preparing himself for what he would find.

 

“Jay?” he called as he got back in, nothing had prepared him for sat in the dark crying Jared, and he instantly dropped to his knees at his lover’s side.

 

Jared looked at him, his eyes red and swollen, tears still on his face “M’sorry Jen, I’m so sorry” he said softly. Jensen just held his hand and squeezed it gently

 

“Shall we go to bed?” he suggested softly. 

 

Jared smiled thoughtfully. “Can we be in the same bed?” he asked hopefully. They had slept separately for so long now, Jensen so worried about hurting Jared. 

 

Jensen didn’t even need to think, just nodded and helped Jared to his feet, guiding him to the bedroom and waiting as Jared used the bathroom and brushed his teeth before using the bathroom himself. Within minutes the two men were in bed, Jensen watching in concern as Jared swallowed more pills, then waiting until the injured man settled himself on the mattress before curling up next to him, just touching and dropping small kisses on his lovers face. Their lips met, and a shudder of need climbed from Jared’s toes to his head and for the first time in a while he was hard against Jensen.

 

Jensen felt Jared, his hand circling Jared, moving gently, almost not moving at all, swallowing Jared’s groans in gentle kisses, allowing him to breath, not wanting to hurt him. His own dick was so hard it hurt, and every touch against Jared’s thigh was torture, he hadn’t even used his right hand over the last few weeks and he was ready to explode from simple touch.

 

“I love you” he whispered into Jared’s heated skin, curling his body to get a better position and increasing the movement of his hand, feeling Jared pushing harder, moaning, in pain or pleasure Jensen didn’t know, but he knew Jared could stop if he needed. “I love you Jay, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I love you” he repeated again and again, words Jared could focus on, to take him away from the pain. Jared tried hard to calm his breathing as his orgasm started to build just from touching alone, his chest was on fire, he was so close

 

“Jen I’m gonna - ” and then he had the most intense pleasure pain orgasm of his life, coming hot and wet over Jensen’s hand, his breath in small whimpers, his eyes tight shut, his hand moving automatically to Jensen and pulling and pressing as best he could, Jensen’s own hand arched over his, their fingers entwined, until Jensen murmured nonsense into the darkness and reached his own completion in soft silence.

 

“I love you Jen” Jared whispered, exhaustion and painkillers taking him into sleep.

 

“I love you Jay” Jensen replied with feeling, tears of sadness and pain, tears of remorse and love, running down his freckled face. 

 

Tears that Jared would never see.


	13. Chapter 13

Jared still felt bruised and not quite himself but what was worse was his increasing dependence on the use of his prescription painkillers, he had even taken to swallowing them when he knew Jensen wasn’t around and that is what was scaring him the most, hence the leaflet he had downloaded from the Internet. There was a whole Website dedicated to codeine addiction and what he read there scared him to death.

 

_They contain the narcotic opiate, codeine … A percentage of the codeine in every tablet converts into morphine in the brain which gives a feeling of well-being … once a person is physically dependent on Codeine, when they stop taking them there is a pronounced withdrawal syndrome associated with the detoxification. Physical symptoms include, nausea, vomiting, insomnia, anxiety, muscle and bone pain, runny nose, tearing eyes, yawning, excessive sneezing, etc. … this withdrawal syndrome is very uncomfortable … most Codeine addicts need to go into a detox program before they check into treatment._

 

“Jay” Jared slipped the leaflet into his script and pasted a smile on his face, as Jensen walked into his trailer grinning at some prank they had pulled earlier, before settling on Jared’s sofa and thumbing through his own script in peace.

 

Jared watched his lover read, his heart warming at the casual relaxation they could feel around each other. Jensen was looking after him, pleased with his progress, happy and content with their progress as a couple. After that fateful argument they had worked at their relationship, Jared had pulled himself out of the depressed spiral he was in and Jensen had helped him. But he wondered at how much of his positive feeling was due to the overuse of the painkillers made. He worried they were masking the pain, but was terrified to stop in case he had to live with the pain again.

 

He alternately worshipped the pills and cursed them, swearing he wouldn’t take anymore, talking to himself, telling himself to stop, reading every article he could on the side effects, discovering what he was doing to himself. The most obvious of his side effects were the headaches and slight problems with coordination. But more tablets helped the headache temporarily ,and he was never that coordinated to begin with, so no one would suspect anything. Except for Jensen, who worried about the headaches and commented on the clumsiness, it was difficult to get anything past his lover. 

 

And that was another thing, his sex drive was practically non existent, Jensen was being really understanding, Jared was just putting it down to pain, promising it would all be better soon and Jensen just smiled, hugging Jared and saying sweet things that involved lots of words like love you and need you and I can wait.

 

Jared felt like shit, like a complete bastard, but nothing he thought about himself, was enough to make him stop. He had to talk to someone, but just like the whole Sandy thing he just couldn’t bring himself to talk to the one person he needed to talk to. Jensen.

 

Moving back into Sam’s head space had been easy and they were three weeks days back into filming season five and still together despite the hard road they had traveled, and despite the problems Jared was bringing to the relationship. 

 

The summer hiatus had been long, and with the proviso that he stayed away from the major stunts Jared had been given mostly the all clear. Life was settled and Jared could rationalise his lack of sex drive and the dizziness and the headaches in amongst the fourteen hour days as nothing to worry about. Apart from the fact that he buried his nose in research, as closely and intricately as Sam might, tracking information, emailing, gathering resources, knowing he was addicted to the meds. 

 

Words like ‘as addictive as heroin’ sent shivers through him; he’d never touched anything as hard as heroin before and couldn’t believe he had slipped so badly here.

 

He looked over at Jensen again, dressed as Dean, waiting for the next call, knowing he had a scene with him as Sam next.

 

“Jen” Jensen looked up

 

“Hmmm” he said smiling at Jared in a secretive way that reached his green eyes and made them seem to focus solely on Jared, thoughtful and supportive. When Jared didn’t answer straight away, the smile was replaced by a frown and Jensen was on his knees next to Jared in seconds. “You OK?” he asked. “Can I get you your pills?”

 

Jared snorted inelegantly and Jensen sat back on his heels confused.

 

“Jensen, we need to talk” he started and then stopped seeing the veil of hurt and worry slip over Jensen’s expressive eyes, he didn’t mean to scare Jen.

 

“I promise you, it’s not about us man, and I just have some stuff I need help with. I need your help”

 

“OK” Jensen returned doubtfully, but smiled none the less. They had the next day off, more than enough time to talk.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Filming didn’t finish until 11pm and Jared counted that he had taken 10 tablets in the last 6 hours, that couldn’t be good and it was a place to start the conversation he knew he needed to have.

 

The driver dropped them both at Jared’s, the dogs a welcoming and friendly sight for sore eyes, as Jared dropped to the floor and played with them.

 

“Chocolate?” Jensen called from the kitchen, hot chocolate being their usual last thing at night drink.

 

”Yeah, thanks”

 

Jensen returned with the drinks and collapsed onto the sofa, watching Jared sip at his with hooded eyes.

 

“You said you wanted to talk Jay, what’s up?” there was a nagging doubt at the back of Jensen’s mind that this was it, over.

 

“I have a really big thing going on in my life that I need to ..” Jared paused, I’m addicted to painkillers, help me… “I’ve been using codeine based meds for pain relief”

 

”Yeah the white ones from Doc Adams”

 

“Yeah, those and others … from … other places” 

 

Jensen frowned “What do you mean, other places?”

 

“Jensen, I’m sorry man, but I’ve been getting more than the doc is prescribing me”

 

”Who from” Why?

 

“Carl”

 

“Carl? Carl from lighting? Dope head Carl?”

 

“Carl from lighting”

 

”Dope Carl? What the fuck?” Jensen stood up “What is going on? What are you on?”

 

”Jen I said, just more painkillers, nothing awful” well something awful but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

 

“Why Carl? Why not see the doctor? He’ll give you more if you need them”

 

“No Jen he wont. He’s already given me … the … he’s already prescribing me the maximum dose anyone can take”

 

“Shit Jay, if the pain is that bad man we need to get you to hospital, something isn’t right, we need - ”

 

“No Jen, no. Jen listen to me. Sit down” Jared said firmly, waiting until Jensen was sat and dropping to his heels next to him “Jensen, the pills, I’m addicted to them, I’ve pushed it too far, look man, I’ve taken 10 pills in the last six hours. I’m an addict” Jared finished the last on a sad and quiet note as Jensen just stared at him in horror, his mouth open. Quiet.

 

“I’ll … I’ll …” he began and then finding nothing to say, he walked out, ran out, left. Jared sitting blinded on the floor hoping Jensen just needed time, remembering their argument, remembering he came back before, hoping he would again.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jensen was confused, bewildered, shocked. What kind of a boyfriend was he that he hadn’t noticed the tells, was he so lost in his own head that his own life had taken over his concern for Jared.

 

What did he say? It’s OK Jared; between us we’ll sort it out, just like we did over the summer. When what he really wanted to say was, I’m tired Jared, I’ve been your support for over a year and sometimes I feel like this isn’t a partnership but that I am more of a one man support network?

 

He wasn’t sure where he was walking, just like that night in the summer he wandered aimlessly, his head filled with pros and cons, realising what he was doing, likening the rest of his life with the man he loved to a table of yes’s and no’s. 

 

Eventually he stopped walking, he needed to talk to someone, trust someone with what Jared had told him, someone who Jared may have approached anyway. Sighing he thumbed his way through his contacts and selected the number he needed.

 

“Hi Jeff, it’s Jensen, you OK to talk?”

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jared stayed in the same position, he hands shaking, his head pounding, imagining the feel of the pills on his hand; the gentle high that followed, the complete lack of pain; but willing himself not to give in. He hadn’t slept through the night in weeks, needing another pill seemingly every few hours now, the more he took the more he needed, he knew it could only end one way, harder drugs, chasing that high, that peace.

 

He felt shaky and sick, the band of pain stretching and tightening around his head in a constant pressure. Every muscle in his body ached and the fire in his chest was leaving him unable to breathe properly, hot tears were blurring his vision.

 

“It’s the worse thing you can do” Jensen’s voice at the open door, then his strong arms helping him up and to the kitchen “going cold turkey, you need a proper detox program” Jared lifted tear filled eyes to Jensen, shame strong and hot in them as his concerned lover found his normal pills and handed him two with a glass of water.

 

“No Jen”

 

”Jay, take the damn pills, we’ll get you into a program tomorrow … we’ll worry about this tomorrow, OK?” Suddenly a strange relief filled Jared.

 

”You came back?” he whispered hoarsely, but Jensen just looked completely confused, he never meant to make Jay think he wasn’t coming back.

 

“Why wouldn’t I Jay? I love you, we are a partnership. I’m angry and hurt and ashamed I never noticed, but I will never stop loving you.”

 

“I’m sorry Jensen, I really am, I’m not sure how much more of my crap you are going to take.”

 

“Quite a bit Jay, quite a bit. You feeling better”

 

A dark blush rose in Jared’s face as the shame filled him again “M’okay” he stuttered burying his head in his hands, knowing he would feel better as the drugs started to work their way into his bloodstream. 

 

Jensen unpeeled his hands. “Bed” he said firmly, “bed.”

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

The morning found Jared buried as close as he could get to Jensen without suffocating him. He was filled with dread and scared rigid. Not only did he have the whole detox thing, he also had the Eric thing to face, not least the whole Jensen the morning after the night before thing.

 

“I love you” he breathed gently into Jensen’s sleep warm skin, snuggling hot sweet kisses into Jensen’s neck, nibbling gently, just enjoying the warmth and burying deeper into his lovers body.

 

Jensen woke to the sensation of kisses and snuggling and smiled before the enormity of the events of last night knocked him back and sudden tears filled his eyes. 

 

A single tear, wet and hot, rolling down his cheek and to the side.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Eric took it better than was expected, he immediately started muttering about schedules and filming, and upping the Dean factor. Jensen, sitting next to Jared, winced at the thought of even longer days but gave Jared a small smile when the younger man looked at him questioningly. When they left Eric, they left hand in hand and Jared felt a bit lighter.

 

Jared knew people had to be told. The writers, the network, co stars, the crew and suddenly his shame was there in front of him, for all to see, he had been so weak, so pathetic, how could he -

 

“Stop it” Jensen said heatedly.

 

“Wha - ”

 

“Better men than you have dealt with pain the way you have Jay, so hold your head up high and stop looking like a whipped puppy” Jared cringed at the harsh tone of Jensen’s voice

 

“Sorr - ”

 

“And stop saying sorry … now”

 

“OK”

 

“Right, next step, this number here …” he waved around the leaflet “lets get you some help, let’s get us some help.”

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Christmas was quieter than last year. 

 

Jared didn’t want to go home. He was on a knife-edge emotionally, the detox had gone well, but emotionally he had a lot to work through. He spent hours on the phone with his parents and Megan and Jeff - explained the whole mess as much as he could, refusing for them to visit, saying he was fine, just that he needed time. 

 

Jensen on the other hand thought Jeff and the rest of Jared’s close family would judge him, he had, after all, promised to look after Jay and had really screwed that up. Miraculously they said little, accepted Jared was his own man, the addiction starting as a result of many factors, not just because he wasn’t watched 24 hours a day. Jensen felt relieved and said so to Jeff who turned round and told him he was an idiot to think anything else.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

New Years was a better evening. Jared had insisted on inviting friends over and played the part of the genial host until two in the morning. Jensen watched him the whole time, desperate for everyone to leave so he could get a hug out of him, a proper new year kiss.

 

As for Jared, the detox had done one thing very positive, his sex drive had returned, and he was hoping Jensen would be interested tonight, to kind of celebrate the new year in proper style.

 

The door shut on the final guest and Jared turned to find Jensen hovering at his shoulder, in reflex he pulled him into a hug.

 

Jensen stiffened in his grasp. “I can’t do this” he said softly. Jared pulled himself back, his heart dying a sudden and painful death. He had just gone too far, lost Jensen.

 

“Ok” he said trying not to cry. “Are you going now?”

 

“Going?” what??

 

“Yeah, it’s probably for the best if you go, that it just ends now, that gives us days before filming - ”

 

“What the fuck Jay, I meant I can’t do this cuddling thing, without needing you so bad it hurts.” Not so gently Jensen pulled his confused lover in for a kiss, his hands hard and painful in Jared’s long hair, swallowing any response he may have made, not giving him a chance to talk. Subtly he moved the kiss from the front door, along the wall to the stairs and one by one they climbed them, still kissing, until they reached the main bedroom door. 

 

Jensen pushed it open, guiding the very hot and handsy Jared to the bed, pushing him gently until he lay looking up at Jensen, bemused, blushing horribly.

 

“Now” Jensen said, removing his shirt and kneeling on the bed “Shall we start this again?”


	14. Chapter 14

**Supernatural The Movie … Day 1**

 

“I don’t believe this Jay, this is so fucking big” Jensen stood outside set 1, the motel scene that would be setting the whole tone of the movie. The two of them stood in each others arms, hugging and kissing, having arrived at least an hour earlier than everyone else just to soak it all up.

 

“Are you kinda nervous, cos I am” Jared admitted, shuffling his feet and hugging his arms in the cold Vancouver air leaning in against the solid strength of his lover.

 

“Yeah, kinda nervous, but hey it’s nothing we haven’t done before eh?” Jensen pulled Jared into him, leaning back against the wall.

 

“Talk it up shorty, ‘cos we’re gonna need all the positive thought we can get” Jared snorted, leaning down and dropping a hot kiss against Jensen’s soft lips.

 

“You realise s’only cos I brought YED back with me from Hell that we have a film” Jensen smirked and pulled Jared against him.

 

”Dean, Jen, Dean brought him back, not you” Jared laughed, this was long standing joke. “Anyway we all know, it was Sam turning dark side that meant we got the movie, all that leather and long dark hair” he added

 

”Hmph” great comeback Jensen

 

”Babe, you love my long dark hair, you love wrapping your hands in it and pulling me about, pushing me down, pulling me up, forcing me to kiss you, forcing me to take you in my mouth, taking control” Jared teased, nibbling on Jensen’s lower lip, sucking and licking where he had lay small bites.

 

“Jay” Jensen whined, sliding his legs apart, letting Jared settle himself in for a closer feel. “We haven’t got time for this”

 

“I know” Jared groaned in frustration “but you know I love you Jen”

 

”I love you too Jay”

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

**Supernatural The Movie … Day 9**

 

“Seriously Jay, this is messing with my head”

 

Dean was going to shoot Sam with the Colt; evil Sam will deflect the bullet and be in a position to kill Dean, but cant carry it through leaving Dean lost.

 

Jared sighed inwardly, he was struggling with the whole Dean needs to kill Sam thing too, but from an entirely different perspective. It was Jensen who had to hold the gun on Jared as Sam, it was Jensen who needed to understand why Sam had to die and why it had to be Dean who had to pull the trigger I promised you I would Sam.

 

Their own relationship had started with Jen looking after Jay, Jensen being the strong one, but little by little it had turned around and they supported each other, just like Sam and Dean. The movie centred on the whole evil Sam protector Dean scenario and the headspace that Jensen needed to be in was screwing him up.

 

Jared knew why, he knew why to the very core of him. Simply put, Jensen didn’t want Dean’s decisions regarding Sam to bleed into his love for Jared.

 

Jensen was as much a protector as Dean was; it was Jensen who held him through detox, Jensen who cried with him, Jensen who was his strength and his determination when Jared had none.

 

Jared wanted to give the same back, wanted to be strong for Jensen, but it took their relationship a long time to settle into a partnership. Jensen worried, Jared laughed, Jensen laughed but still worried, Jared cajoled, Jensen just laughed, Jared pushed harder, Jensen caved, now they were a team.

 

“Look at me Jen” Jensen looked up at Jared’s serious face “There has to be hope Jen, there has to be that chink of light in all the darkness of Sam, you need to know that shooting him gives Sam the chance to ascend to be with his dad, to break away from hell’s grip.” Jensen nodded; it wasn’t like him to have these little doubts about scenes.

 

“I’ll be OK” he said, an element of doubt in his voice

 

“You’ll be OK” Jared echoed, buttoning up Sam’s dark shirt, shaking his hair, and giving Jensen his best evil Sam stare. “Come on big brother, one take is all we need”

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

**Supernatural The Movie … Day 13**

 

Jared ran into Jensen’s trailer “They found out and they’ve published it” he stammered his face white

 

“What”

 

“The detox man, everything, the drugs, shit” Jensen jumped up, grabbing a shaking Jared in a tight embrace

 

“Shhh, Jay, calm down, it’s nothing people don’t know already”

 

“They didn’t Jen, they didn’t know all of it”

 

”Jay, we did the press release, you did the press release, they know”

 

“They didn’t know who stayed with me, who supported me”

 

”So what is happening here is that you’re worried about people finding out about us? About us being a couple?”

 

“Jeez, I have screwed the film, Eric will kill me”

 

”Jay, he wont say a word, people have always suspected”

 

”Stop Jen, stop using the word people I’m losing it here”

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

**Supernatural The Movie … Day 16**

 

“I cant” Jensen said simply

 

”Yes you can Jensen Ross Ackles, you can do it”

 

”I’m not that bendy” he added carefully, Jared just smirked

 

“Hmmm, yes you are”

 

“But the harness - ”

 

“I’ll kiss your ouchies better” Jared said cajolingly

 

“OK, but if I’m squirming in the press conference tomorrow then I blame you” and then he realised what he had said, and it took the two men half an hour to stop giggling.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

**Supernatural The Movie … Day 17 … The press conference**

 

Eric paced nervously, watching the boys hugging and whispering, wishing he had someone to hug and looking around for Sera.

 

“So, Jensen, you are gonna do the talking - ”

 

“Eric, this isn’t scripted, I’ll start and we’ll see how it goes”

 

“Jared if - ”

 

“Eric, just trust us.” Jensen said clearly, looking up at his partners face, looking for support in what he just said,

 

Jared smiled softly, “yeah Eric it’ll be fine”

 

They walked in, sat down next to each other, holding hands under the table, trying not to make it obvious just yet, it felt different not to have a hoard of screaming girls in front of them, more serious.

 

They were introduced by a network exec and the first question was to do with the whole prescription drugs thing. Something Jared had planned for and had standard answers too.

 

“I was involved in an accident in personal time, broke a rib and punctured a lung. I was in hospital for three weeks, convalescing for at least eight weeks. I was prescribed medication that was codeine based and unfortunately became addicted to them. There is nothing more to add to that. I moved through detox and a program of rehab and at all times Jensen was with me as my support structure” Jensen squeezed his hand softly, reassuringly.

 

“Mr Padalecki are you completely clean now?”

 

“I have been for over a year, I was only addicted for a few months, maybe a little more, but I had friends and colleagues who helped me, saw me through it”.

 

“One of them Mr Ackles”

 

”As I previously said”

 

”I understand you have an announcement to make” this from a Canadian reporter from some entertainment news program, the very person that Eric had primed to ask the question. Jensen took a deep breath.

 

“For the past two years Jared and I have been in a committed and loving relationship, and we wanted to extend our thanks to all those people who have put time and money into Supernatural, both the series and the movie we are in the middle of filming."

 

And then the questions started...

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

**Supernatural The Movie … Day 23, Day off due to power breakdown**

 

Jensen’s cell went off at 6.15 am, his wake up call, but instead of his PA encouraging him to get out of bed it was one of the AD’s saying filming was off today. He thumbed off the connection and relaxed back into Jared who was desperately trying to open exhausted eyes and start the long roll of getting six four of exhaustion off of the bed.

 

“Stop Jay, filming canceled today”

 

“Canceled, m’okay” and he simply turned over and went back to sleep, Jensen smiled before pulling the covers up and spooning his lover, wrapping arms round as much of him as he could reach, sleep catching up with him very quickly as he relaxed.

 

“Jen … Jensen … Jeeeeeennnsennn” the voice wheedled, pulling at the edges of his dreams, annoying and irritating, “Jens, I have coffee”

 

“Jay leave me alone, was dreaming”

 

“No, up and at ‘em shorty, coffee, teeth, sex” Jared said this so matter of factly

 

“Mmmmm coffee” Jensen smirked, starting to laugh, turning on his back to see Jared kneeling on the edge of the bed pouting “And we don’t have sex Jay”

 

“I know I know”

 

”We make love” he leered and raised his eyebrows

 

“Whatever, can we get on with it now?”

 

”Jeez, why you being so romantic? You’ll turn my head”

 

”Ha ha, coffee now."

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

**Supernatural The Movie … Day 30, Death Scene**

 

Jared was pacing, definitely pacing, on edge, the words he needed to say, to speak as Sam, burnt into his retinas with the force of how often he had read them through with Jensen. Another Supernatural death scene and he hated them. 

 

He hated the mindset he needed to be in to lose Dean, or his dad, or in this case his mom, again. 

 

In this scene it was actually him and Jensen together, united in grief after they had spent up to now nearly torn apart as brothers fighting for opposite sides. 

 

This was the hardest scene and Jensen had disappeared half an hour ago with the AD, working on blocking the scene muttering a goodbye and something else Jared didn’t catch.

 

The hate and distrust that they had had to build up in the first half of the film with Sam’s demon blood rising to dominance at the end of season 5 and carrying through, had been so difficult to get into, but they had worked hard and succeeded in making it real. Now was the turning scene and Jared was dreading it.

 

Our hate has bought us to this … no Dean our hate … we lost dad, we lost mom, how is it we lost each other …

 

When he arrived at the set Samantha was there, but she didn’t look at him, Jensen arrived soon after, Dean in his stance, Dean in his makeup, just Dean.

 

When they turned to face each other they were SamDean not JaredJensen and it was scary and surreal.

 

Our hate has bought us to this…

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

**Supernatural The Movie … Day 44, Wrap**

 

The final scene, of the final day and Jensen was quiet. 

 

He looked out over the Supernatural set, a sight as familiar to him as breathing, knowing this was it now, Eric had said, no more, he had ended it right and that to him was what should happen. 

 

Jensen and Jared both agreed, they had declined network offers to join spin offs, grimacing that it would just be ruining everything. Privately Eric agreed, but publicly he was happy to push the second and last season of Ghostfacers, because it funded some of his newer projects nicely.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

**Supernatural The Movie … Day 45, the day after the wrap party**

 

“No shouting man” Jensen

 

“All I said was hello” Jared defended himself smiling

 

“I am never drinking again”

 

“Should have stuck to water like me.” Jared pointed out cheerfully

 

“Jay” Jensen did sound rather pathetic “Look after me Jay”

 

“You know I will Jen, you know I will”

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

**Supernatural The Movie … Premier, 19 November, 2010**

 

The car pulled round about half an hour before they needed to be there, both men in black suits and white shirts with no ties, relaxed and at ease.

 

“So, tell me again Jay, are we or are we not holding hands on the red carpet”

 

“We are” Jared replied patiently for the 37th time.

 

“We are” Jensen repeated, pulling at stray spikes in his hair.

 

“Leave the hair alone man” Jared pushed him away from the mirror and walked him to the door, climbing into the car first. He watched as Jensen hesitated, looking at the car and Jared and then back at their house. “Jen, come on” he called carefully, watching Jensen’s face turn from a frown to a smile as he climbed in to the car.

 

“I was just thinking ...” Jensen started as the car started the drive to the premiere “... your house is in your name, my apartment we rent to the Fishers is in my name”

 

”Yeah?”

 

”And I think we should have everything in joint names” Jared looked at him, his mouth open.

 

“OK”, he finally said, simply.

 

“OK?”

 

”Yeah, OK, ‘bout time we did that” Jared just smiled and sat back in the seat

 

“Yeah, what is it now? Three years?” Jensen pondered

 

“Yeah, three years of one hell of a roller coaster ride. Jen …”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Thanks man, I couldn’t have made it through the last few years without you”

 

“Nor me without you Jay”

 

They sat silent, each looking out of windows thoughtfully.

 

“Jared” Jensen finally said.

 

“Hmmm”

 

“We live in Canada right?” Jared just smiled at the obvious question and didn’t bother answering, watching as Jensen nervously twisted Dean’s ring on his finger, finally sliding it off and taking Jared’s hand in his.

 

“Marry me Jay,” he said, “make it real, make it permanent” his green eyes were bright with emotion, his heart pounding in his chest loud enough to hear. Jared held up his ring finger, assisting Jensen in sliding it on.

 

“Jen, I thought you’d never ask”


End file.
